With all that’s going on in this presidential race I thought it important to rank the remaining candidates based on who could kick the most ass in a fight.
After all, the average American voter has complete shit for brains, and factors in various other extraneous criteria such as who had the sickest burn in a soundbite, who is most racist, and “he has weird hair”, among other factors, without understanding a lick of policy or how the country works.
While utterly pointless, this list does hearken back to a time when the country intuitively weighed the fighting skills of a given president, hence a lot of them were war veterans or athletes like Gerald Ford or actors who played cops in movies like Ronald Reagan.
In fact, when narrowed down to the Republican and Democratic nominee, the shorter candidate has won once, only once, in this nation’s entire history, and that was George W Bush when he defeated Al Gore, which shouldn’t count because Gore won the election and the supreme court of Florida awarded the presidency to W’s bitch ass in a coup.
Here are the rankings, all the weights are estimated, and I put Donald Trump in here to see how he measures up.
18) Marianne Williamson: Age: 67. Height: 5’3″ Weight: 125 lbs. Hailing from: Houston, TX. Williamson is quite short and a definite tomato can. She started a charity called Project Angel Food, enough said, and was raised an Orthodox Jew – a group of people who don’t participate in physical violence.
Pros: Appears to be in good physical health.
Cons: Everything.
17) Julian Castro: Age: 45. Height: 5’0″. Weight: 75 lbs. Hailing From: San Antonio, TX. Castro nearly qualifies as a dwarf, coming in two inches above the threshold. To illustrate, if a dwarf balanced a shelled peanut on his head, he would be the same size as Julian Castro. On the plus side, Castro does come from a long line of hardened Mexican immigrants.
Pros: None.
Cons: Can only fight children from Thailand.
16) Donald Trump (for comparison purposes only): Age: 73. Height: 6’3″. Weight: 475 lbs. Hailing From: New York, NY. Trump is a huge pussy with tiny hands. He subsists mostly on McDonald’s condiment packages and has at least four STD’s. He has never worked a day in his life. He is also morbidly obese and has a face that makes people vehemently angry. On top of that he’s a speed addict who wheezes when he walks up the steps of Air Force One.
Pros: Can sit on opponent, can escape from holds due to his face being covered in a greasy orange substance.
Cons: Is deeply insecure and can snap.
15) Elizabeth Warren: Age: 70. Height: 5’8″ Weight: 135 lbs. Hailing From: Oklahoma City, OK. Warren is deceptively tall and somewhat wiry and looks to have a good reach advantage over candidates such as Julian Castro or Kamala Harris. Unfortunately she’s just way too wholesome to inflict any kind of physical damage.
Pros: From the mean streets of Norman, Oklahoma, and a child of divorce, which can lead to unchecked rage.
Cons: She’s basically the nice old lady at the bake sale.
14) Bernie Sanders: Age: 78. Height: 6’0″ Weight: 220 lbs. Hailing From: Brooklyn, NY. Bernie is actually a pretty good sized dude, or at least was in his younger years. Sanders is from Brooklyn and the son of a Polish immigrant, so he comes from scrappy DNA and probably got into a few fisticuffs with the Comanche tribe growing up.
Pros: Is friends with blue collar people, who are usually grizzled and tough.
Cons: Too old. And he had a heart attack.
13) Amy Klobuchar: Age: 58. Height: 5’8″. Weight: 135 lbs. Hailing From: Plymouth, MN. Although possessing decent size, Klobuchar would likely get her ass kicked by nearly any other politician. Her fighting DNA is absolute garbage; her mom was an elementary school teacher and her dad was an author. She was valedictorian of her high school, is a lawyer, and went to Yale. A very impressive resume, but a very shitty fighting resume.
Pros: Is from Minnesota, knows people with guns.
Cons: Glass jaw.
12) Michael Bloomberg: Age: 77. Height: 5’8″. Weight: 170 lbs. Hailing From: Brighton, MA. Bloomberg grew up as a Jew in a shitty part of Boston in the 1950’s. Odds are he has been in at least a few fights. While a billionaire, Bloomberg, unlike Trump, is a self made billionaire, and hence probably has an excess amount of testosterone pumping through his veins. Unfortunately he is very old.
Pros: Still in pretty good shape and has a huge jaw.
Cons: Very old and softened by his billionaire Upper East Side lifestyle.
11) Kamala Harris: Age: 55. Height: 5’3″. Weight: 125 lbs. Hailing From: Oakland, CA. Harris talks a lot of trash but can’t back it up. Her father was an economics professor and her mom was a cancer scientist, so she probably didn’t get beat a lot growing up. Her dad’s side is Jamaican, however, and along with believing that menstruating women are infected by the devil it’s possible he carried with him the Jamaican tradition of caning his offspring.
Pros: Says she is friends with several Black Panthers.
Cons: Is not friends with any Black Panthers.
10) Tom Steyer: Age: 62. Height: 5’9″. Weight: 160 lbs. Hailing From: New York, NY. Steyer is a rich kid who grew up in New York and immediately transitioned into a rich adult who lived in New York. He has a dopey demeanor indicating he likely walks face first into punches.
Pros: Travels with lethal security forces.
Cons: Is a little bitch.
9) Joe Sestak: Age: 67. Height: 5’9″. Weight: 152 lbs. Hailing From: Secane, PA. Sestak was an admiral in the Navy, suggesting he once was proficient in physical fitness. He’s actually still kind of jacked and probably had to fight off many gay sailors during his early days in the service.
Pros: Has pretty decent biceps.
Cons: Not many, he’s actually only a 5:1 underdog to win the entire tournament.
8) John Delaney: Age: 56. Height: 6’0″. Weight: 200 lbs. Hailing From: Wood-Ridge, NJ. Delaney is a rabid bodybuilder who can deadlift 350 lbs. He’s also Irish and the son of a construction worker. Unfortunately his bulky muscles do him no good in a street fight but he is a solid dark horse.
Pros: Irish.
Cons: Musclebound.
7) Michael Bennet: Age: Uknown. Height: Uknown. Weight: Unknown. Hailing From: Parts Unkown.
There isn’t one article about this guy on the internet.
6) Steve Bullock: Age: 53. Height: 5’9″. Weight: 170 lbs. Hailing From: Missoula, MT.
He’s kind of hefty and from Montana. His relative youth in a field of geriatric candidates finds him with this high of a ranking.
Pros: Can likely rope a cattle, giving him excellent strength in his obliques.
Cons: Docile.
5) Joe Biden: Age: 76. Height: 6’0″. Weight: 175 lbs. Hailing From: Scranton, PA. Despite being up there in years, Biden is one of the more physically imposing candidates in the field and is from Scranton, PA – a real scrappy shit hole. He probably had to beat the shit out of other kids for scrap steal metal growing up. He also possesses deceptively robust Old Man Strength, and is frequently drunk and pretending he’s Robocop.
Pros: Old Man Strength.
Cons: Often does not know who he is fighting against.
4) Pete Budigieg: Age: 37. Height: 5’8″. Weight: 148 lbs. Hailing From: South Bend, IA. Mayor Pete is a Rhode’s Scholar who translates plays written in Sanskrit for fun. Unfortunately he has soft hands and a relatively high body fat percentage and cannot beat up very many people.
Pros: Cardio.
Cons: Low intimidation factor.
3) Tulsi Gabbard: Age: 38. Height: 5’8″. Weight: 133 lbs. Hailing From: Leloaloa, American Samoa. Gabbard represents the total package. She is spry. She grew up in Hawaii where she likely honed her skills beating up tourists with her family. Her father is an anti-gay activist, meaning he is clearly a self loathing homosexual prone to bouts of physical rage followed by crying. She’s also a combat veteran of the Iraq War and is in bed with Turkey’s dictator who will have you killed if you beat her in a match.
Pros: Kremlin backing.
Cons: She is a woman.
2) Andrew Yang: Age: 44. Height: 5’9″. Weight: 157 lbs. Hailing From: Schenectady, NY. Yang’s strength can really catch you off guard. He’s thick. He’s got boxy legs and big shoulders which bulge through his suit, and looks like he possesses a decent head butt to go along with his low center of gravity. He was also one of the few Asian kids in town growing up and was bullied and called racial slurs. That never goes away.
Pros: Son of Taiwanese immigrants. Presumably has some experience with marshal arts.
Cons: Claims violence is not the answer.
1) Cory Booker: Age: 50. Height: 6’2″. Weight: 195 lbs. Hailing From: Washington, DC. Booker is an absolute beast in this field. He played tight end for Stanford while in college, and as an adult lived in the projects of Newark. He’s a big man who pays close attention to his diet and jogs often, making him the target of many gay rumors. He doesn’t drink or smoke, and partakes in a lot of coffee and likely does Adderall as well so he is really pumped to kick some ass.
Pros: Good reach, in great physical shape, and hyperactive.
Cons: Appears somewhat doughy for a non-drinker.
What does this list tell us? Absolutely nothing. Yet it is interesting that presumably only three or four of these candidates could actually kick some ass. If you look back throughout history the majority of major candidates appeared fairly adept at kicking ass. America used to kick more ass. Now we kick less ass.
One thing is clear: For better or worse, we’re getting softer.
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