The Onion Embeds Hillary Clinton Bias, Suddenly Dies

The Onion used to be a witty and sometimes poignant satirical publication, that is until it was purchased by Spanish language network Univision last month and things suddenly went awry. They recently published an article ostensibly satirizing people who don’t find Hillary Clinton “Inspiring” and go on to point out that she’s had a distinguished career in the public and private sector. If that doesn’t sound at all funny, it isn’t. There aren’t even any jokes in it. It’s just a veiled endorsement of Hillary Clinton. It is titled “Female Presidential Candidate Who Was United States Senator, Secretary Of State Told To Be More Inspiring.” The whole article can be read here, but below are a few snippets straining to balance comedy with shoving an agenda down the readers throats, sadly in the last place you’d expect it. Hillary:

“…overcame entrenched societal biases to build a successful legal career… oversaw the Department of State during a period of widespread international tumult… was too much a part of the establishment she spent decades breaking down barriers to enter.”

Does this sound like it was written by Hillary Clinton’s campaign? It probably was. First the obvious, Hillary Clinton is not inspiring. She’s a corrupt hill flattening robot with the personality of Frank, the demonic bunny rabbit from Donnie Darko. You don’t see too many Hillary bumper stickers out there. People support Hillary the same way they do a teeth cleaning. Just get it over with.

The Onion‘s sudden partisanship is not coincidentally timed. On Hillary’s list of top campaign donors, third, behind Citigroup and Goldman Sachs, is DLA Piper. It is a law firm that represents media conglomerates in anti-trust legislation and has overseen many questionably legal mergers. Seventh on the list is Time Warner, which owns CNN, which is currently engaged in shameless Hillary flag waving. Univision is currently an independent network with intentions to merge with a major media conglomerate, which again, just purchased The Onion. If you watched the latest Republican debate they prominently featured a reporter named Maria Celeste Arrasas who works for Telemundo. Telemundo is Univision’s direct competitor and is owned by NBC Universal. Time Warner has no Spanish language network. Could there be a future merger here? If so, there’s one woman inspiring enough to get the job done. Gross.

If you’re an artist and you believe something strongly, I don’t mind if you slip in a message here and there. It can be done artfully, or it can completely delegitimize your entire being, as is the case with The Onion, which sold out every value they have and everything they’ve ever done in one article. If you’ve had sex for money, you’re a whore. There’s no going back.

Media mergers are dangerous because they allow for the direct control of information. Hence you have a lot of Hillary supporters who couldn’t describe any of her policies and claim with a straight face that her Wall Street PAC’s haven’t, and won’t, influence her decision making. First of all if someone gets you elected you owe them something, that’s how politics work. She’s also given enough paid speeches to Wall Street banks to pay for five of her houses, and won’t release the transcripts of what she said. That’s interesting. Probably just going over pot roast recipes. Her pretend husband created the financial apocalypse of 2008. While in the Senate she voted to bail out the banks.

You can look up her record on Glass-Steagall, but here is one concrete example of the way she operates, and there are many more: Swiss Bank UAB was under pressure from the U.S.’s IRS to release the names of several anonymous account holders laundering dirty money. These were clearly some people she had connections with, because one of her first actions as Secretary of State was to make an unprecedented intervention and severely limit the number of account holders whose names were reported. Following that, UAB paid her $1.5 million in speaking gigs. So, she’s done harm to the country for personal profit. End of conversation, bored housewives and golfers.

I know the mainstream media is completely bought and sold. But when this trickles all the way down to The Onion – which is supposed to be one of our last bastions against bullshit – things are getting really bad. Hence, Hillary is leading in the polls. Enjoy your cake on election night you idiots, you have no idea what you’re doing. Pack an earthquake kit and turn off the TV, things are going to get nasty. And to the editor of The Onion, fuck you, traitor.

 

 

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Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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