Sexual harassment allegations are sweeping the nation. Fantasy football remains incredibly popular. I figured, why not combine the two and form a fantasy league based on predicting who will be accused of sexual harassment next. Not surprisingly, nobody found this to be that good of an idea, so I was only able to get two friends to draft a team, along with myself. We each put a hundred dollars in the pot, winner takes all.
The rules are as follows: You must select one person from the entertainment industry, one athlete, one person from the music industry, one politician, one woman, and seven “utility” people who can be from any walk of life but must be in the public eye. The season starts today and ends at midnight pacific time on December 31st. You are awarded 1 point for each claim of harassment, 2 points for each claim of sexual assault and rape, and 3 points for each woman accused. There is no limit on how many women you can draft. For the claim to be considered valid it must appear in an Associated Press article or on TMZ, DailyMail, Huffington Post, or New York Post. Old accusations which resurface do not count.
The point of this is not to make light of sexual harassment or assault, but to see who is the best at recognizing creeps. It’s a psychological exercise about how to profile potential predators, and everyone should participate in a sexual harassment fantasy league as an exercise in self improvement. Here are the teams:
Team Name: A Ryan Shame. Commissioner: Me.
Entertainment: Alex Trebek
Athlete: Scottie Pippen
Politician: Paul Ryan
Music: John Mayer
Woman: Rosie O’Donnell
John Skipper (Recently resigned President of ESPN)
Analysis: I have a friend who was on vacation with some friends and Trebek apparently lived next door to the house they were renting. He showed up and bothered everyone and insisted on using the hot tub in his Speedo. It’s a great pick. I’m also pretty high on Gordon Ramsay. Draft Grade: B
Team Name: Gucci Gucci Coo. Commissioner: Lex Jurgen.
Entertainment: Chris Rock
Athlete: Malik Beasley (Shooting guard for the Denver Nuggets)
Politician: Chuck Schumer
Music: Gucci Mane
Woman: Joy Behar
Minkah Fitzpatrick (A top 5 NFL draft prospect out of Alabama)
Analysis: Lex is a veritable Hollywood insider. The Malik Beasely and Minkah Fitzpatrick picks are pretty obscure, which leads me to believe he must know some inside information. This team should prove formidable. Draft Grade: A
Team Name: Colin Filth Commissioner: AB Chism.
Entertainment: Jason Whitlock
Athlete: Charles Barkley
Politician: Don Young
Music: Bret Michaels
Woman: Caitlyn Jenner
Chad Kroeger (The lead singer of Nickelback)
Baker Mayfield (Quarterback for the Oklahoma University)
Christopher McDonald (Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore)
Analysis: Jason Whitlock was also drafted by Lex Jurgen but AB Chism got him in the waiver order. This leads me to believe that Whitlock is a great pick. There was also some question as to whether or not an accusation against Caitlyn Jenner would count if it happened when she was Bruce Jenner. I determined that it would, because I had to respect the cleverness. AB Chism lives in Alaska as opposed to myself and Lex who live in LA, which puts him at a disadvantage because he’s not constantly hearing rumors about people, but he still stands a pretty good chance of winning the pot. Draft Grade: A minus.
I will post an update about who wins the $300, which if they have any decency will be given to charity, but likely will not.