Rant Archives - Page 2 of 4 - Matt Ralston's Blog

Lamentations on the Big and Tall Section 4

Feb

22

2017

I’m a fairly tall guy. Six feet four inches tall to be exact. Above average. Height has no doubt afforded me a few advantages in life, such as being able to see at concerts and sometimes curry favor with women who would be otherwise out of my league. When I am in public height does ...

Hunter S. Thompson 2017 Would Be Way Lamer

Jan

24

2017

Imagine Hunter S. Thompson, in the prime of his writing career, transported Encino Man style to 2017. Thompson was America’s last and almost certainly final literary celebrity. Gone are the days when writers such as Truman Capote, Mark Twain, or Jack Kerouac were household names. Today’s New York Times Best Seller List is comprised mostly of ...

Can We Just Admit Twitter Sucks And Move On? 6

Jun

10

2016

Now that the novelty has worn off and its role in society is clearly defined as useless can we acknowledge that Twitter is a trash heap of wasted time populated exclusively by 1) self promoters 2) often psychotic idiots arguing with each other and 3) people sharing banal anecdotes about their uneventful lives. A few statistics ...

Barry Bonds N Bomb Situation Raises So Many Questions 2

May

19

2016

This Barry Bonds Brentwood prep school N-bomb development is a veritable cornucopia of convoluted conflict, intertangling privilege and race and standing them all on their heads and lashing them with the whip of irony. For those unaware, Barry Bonds’ daughter attends a $27,000 a year prep school in Brentwood. Video recently surfaced of a bunch of ...

Zach Miko Is So Right Now In A Bad Way

Mar

21

2016

IGM Models, the most powerful modeling agency in the world, just signed Zach Miko as their first plus sized male model and he will be heading up their Brawn Division. Apparently they don’t say Husky anymore because we all know it just means pre-diabetic. Brawn will eventually come to be identified with guys who hide ...

Some Sushi Places Think You’re An Idiot 1

Feb

28

2016

Happy Hour all day sounds like an amazing deal. Upon closer inspection, if you have Happy Hour all day, aren’t those just your regular prices? This is becoming increasingly common amongst sushi places and I’d be weary of any establishment trying to con me into eating its food. If you’re going to resort to informercial ...

The My Buddy Doll Is Under Discussed

Nov

6

2015

I was trying to explain the My Buddy doll to a group of people who are younger than I am. This was a product advertised incessantly on children’s television programming in the mid to late 80’s, marketed to little boys who apparently needed a potato sack to carry around because they didn’t have any friends ...

I Don’t Think Stephen Hawking Wrote All His Books

Oct

14

2015

What do you think most about during the day? Women. They are a complete mystery. That was the answer Stephen Hawking, theoretical physicist, gave in a recent interview. Let’s be honest, nobody knows if he’s really doing anything. You and I haven’t read his books and his language is shrouded in scientific mumbo jumbo. He’s a professor ...

My Run In With Suge Knight

Aug

29

2015

Just keep your head down, I kept telling myself… The meta irony that Suge Knight is awaiting trial for the murder of a guy who he killed on the set of Straight Outta Compton, a movie in which he is a central character and of which the script features him threatening to murder several people, is ...

Are Trophy Hunters Really Into Conservation?

Aug

14

2015

After bloodthirsty Minnesota dentist Walter Palmer killed real life Disney character Cecil the Lion, more conversations began to pop up about why Cecil had been chosen as his latest, most high profile victim. In most every country in Africa, including Zimbabwe where Cecil was offed, there are laws regarding sport hunting not much different than here in ...