These are the rules in ranking celebrity fashion trademarks: They must be fashion or style choices that a person for whatever reason decided to really commit to, to the point that they are permanently associated with their choice. These must be aesthetic attributes and something that the person has chosen to do. For example, Carrot Top is known for having red hair but this wasn’t a conscious decision he made, he was born with red hair, so that wouldn’t count. The rankings also must be based purely on the person’s appearance, not their behavior. Tim Tebow is known for kneeling after he threw a touchdown pass, but that’s a stupid thing to do in terms of behavior, not style. I polled seven hundred thousand people on twitter, and then threw out the results because most people on Twitter are patently retarded. Without further ado here are the rankings from worst to best.
32. The 21 Pilots Guy Painting His Hands and Neck – I don’t personally care for 21 Pilots’ music and I’m almost certain they are the shoplifting skaters from High Fidelity come to life but I really had nothing against them until I saw them perform and noticed the singer/poetry slam artist had a really horrendous looking neck tattoo and a bunch of goo on his hands. Upon googling it I was dumfounded to learn that the dude actually just paints his hands and neck for each performance. His explanation for doing so makes no sense but could probably earn you a B at a liberal arts college:
“Insecurity for me feels like the sensation of suffocating. So that’s why I do the neck thing. The other thing I’m most insecure about is saying, ‘This is what I created. This is mine. This is the best I can do.’ So there’s black on my hands to represent that.”
The thing about symbolism is that it is has to actually tie back into something. This would be equivalent to wearing a dildo on your chin and when someone goes ‘hey man, what are you doing?’ you say ‘one time I had a bad chicken sandwich.’ It’s literally the exact same thing.
31. The Queen of England’s Hats – Queen Elizabeth II of England wears ostentatious hats. That’s her thing. This hyper privileged unemployed round ball of dough with a steady source of disposable income couldn’t find anything cooler to do. That truly means she is imperially boring, perhaps a genetic defect related to inbreeding. When you meet the Queen there is a specific etiquette you must follow, such as bowing and referring to her as Your Majesty. I have a better idea. Get fairly drunk. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Find her hats and smash them.
30. Nelly’s Band Aid On His Face – This was so incredibly lame that it actually worked because people are real stupid and like stupid things. A grown man applied a bandaid to his face before each performance, in a not so subtle attempt to have a thing. Well, it worked, now I am going to make fun of you when I see you in person. Hey man, remember that time you always wore a bandaid on your face? Fuck off, I have a security guard too. Nelly explained his behavior which would embarrass a precocious six year old. Apparently it was done as a sign of solidarity to a fellow rapper whom Nelly believes was wrongly incarcerated:
“I know when he sees me on TV and sees me wearing this bandaid, he knows I’m wearing it for him.”
That’s all you’re doing? Why don’t you hire him a lawyer or go on Larry King or something or petition the governor? Bandaids cost like three dollars for a huge box. It’s minimal effort. Perhaps Nelly is saying that he is making a total jackass of himself as a form of sacrifice, like how monks set themselves on fire from time to time as as part of an emo crybaby ritual. Probably not. What an asshole.
29. Larry King’s Suspenders – Larry King is known for two things: Not preparing for interviews (his only job) and wearing ugly suspenders. I would submit that suspenders in general are an anachronism, but so is Larry King himself. We have belts. Unless you are a punchable hipster reading a leather bound book at a brewpub, why would you feel the need to suspend your pants? When you move furniture on the freeway you strap it down to the truck bed horizontally, you don’t run ropes from each bumper. There’s something wrong with people who go out of their way to look weird.
28. Fred Durst – Yeah.
27. The Duck Dynasty Guys – It’s amazing that people think having a giant beard qualifies you as somehow interesting. Darwin had a beard. He could have never predicted these racist swamp trash starring in a poorly produced reality show that was very well received across the pond. If he’d had that premonition he probably would have torn up his notebooks and embraced creationism. Beards are gross and they smell. Carefully manicuring a scraggly beard is like bringing a dangerous snake into your house and taking the time to feed it twice a day. You could just get rid of it. The needless effort means you’re a sociopath with the capacity for murder. And probably a repressed homosexual to boot.
26. Michael Jackson’s Rhinestone Covered Single Glove – This would be ranked higher were Michael Jackson not a documented pedophile. It actually looked kind of cool, and was probably inspired by the Power Glove, which my friends and I chipped in to rent from Blockbuster Video one time and made a note to never believe commercials again. It sucked. The glove just hints of someone who was out of ideas. Whoever came up with the idea of the one glove was probably on Michael Jackson’s payroll, and this is the one productive thing they ever did outside of burning his child porn tapes.
25. Hitler/Charlie Chaplin’s Mustache – Hitler actually copied his distinctive facial hair from the great silent film actor Charlie Chaplin. Chaplin was jewish by the way. It’s a pretty good look if you’re maximizing your appearance for comedic effect, but if you’re serious about it then it couldn’t be lamer. Hitler had a loyal following and was democratically elected. These are the same type of people who think the Duck Dynasty guys are cool.
24. Bobby Knight’s red sweater. There are a ton of other college coaches across various sports who have their trademark thing. In fact most of them do. Bobby Knight was famous for having a bad temper which is a euphemism for abusing kids who were afraid to lose their scholarship. Red is the color of fire, the color of the devil, and the color of Bobby Knight’s racist face. It couldn’t be more perfect.
23. John Waters’ Pencil Thin Mustache – You can take one look at John Waters and know exactly what his voice is going to sound like.
22. James Harden’s Beard – One time I saw James Harden do a locker room interview after he had showered, and he appeared to have put some sort of oil or conditioner in his beard. It was glistening, and it made me nauseous. Growing the beard was a pretty good marketing maneuver on the part of Harden, however most people would gladly give back the $200 million shoe deal if it meant not having to walk around looking homeless.
21. Bill Belichick’s Hoodie – This makes him look like a total slob and it’s so unattractive as to be openly hostile, which is the perfect embodiment of Belichick’s personality. This sweatshirt is saying fuck you to the world.
20. Steve Jobs’ Turtleneck – Steve Jobs did enough acid to where he saw no conflict in using slave labor to build products for yuppies while promoting his own altruism. Some people found him to be omnipotent for unexplained reasons, probably his casual bastardizing of eastern philosophy. He always wore a turtleneck, which is a ridiculous garment. It could not be more uncomfortable or unnatural. Perhaps that’s why Steve Jobs was such a testy prick. You would be too if that itchy wool was creeping up under your chin. He was basically walking around with a popsicle stick up his ass. Perhaps this was a strategic move in order to motivate himself to be especially ruthless with employees. What a genius.
19. The Bassist From Pearl Jam’s Puffy Hat – Jeff Ament of Pearl Jam wore a big ass hat for a long time. He didn’t really need to because Pearl Jam was already cool. Tom Petty did the same thing for a while. It will not tarnish their legacy, but still, bad call.
18. Flavor Flave’s Clock – Flavor Flave is clinically insane. He wore a full sized clock around his neck all the time for like thirty years. It’s a serious commitment and was only really cool the first time you saw it. You often see crazy people out on the street doing stuff like this. Flavor Flave was one of those people, he just happened to be in a rap group.
17. Eminem’s Bleached Hair – Eminen dyed his hair blonde and looked like a menacing ferret. Apparently a lot of ratchety ass juggalos were looking for validation in the form of a guy who rapped about killing his own daughter. Eminem was incredibly popular. Along those lines, Donald Trump won the election.
16. Odell Beckham’s Hair – Beckham seems pretty annoying but his hair is actually cool and appears to have inspired many other athletes to imitate him. It scored him a Head and Shoulders endorsement. The FCC mandates that if you endorse a product you have to actually use it. This leads me to believe that Beckham has debilitating dandruff. Imagine how constantly applying bleach to your head would dry out the scalp. It’s all coming full circle.
15.Dennis Rodman’s Hair – Rodman was the “bad boy” of the NBA, which is a euphemism for unhinged alcoholic. He died his hair different colors. This is an easy way to stand out if you’re marketing yourself as alternative. Also wearing dresses. While not necessarily original and clearly a publicity stunt, his gaybaiting was pretty revolutionary for the time. It was always a minor thrill to see what color he’d dyed his hair before each game. Minor thrill.
14. The Beatles’ Bob Cuts – It’s hard to imagine that these cuts were rebellious at the time. They look like juco professors. Nonetheless they were a total phenomenon and would be ranked higher except I don’t get what was edgy about looking like you get your hair cut at the cosmetology school. The fifties must have been a frightening time if this was considered dangerous.
13. Michael Jordan’s Silver Hoop Earring – Michael Jordan is obviously an obsessive, highly dedicated, and above all stubborn individual. That’s probably why he has refused to remove his severely dated earring. If OJ can get away with murder, why shouldn’t Michael Jordan be able to price himself out of younger women?
12. Kevin Smith’s Hockey Jerseys – Kevin Smith is a huge hockey fan and enjoys wearing his hockey jerseys. The problem is that Kevin Smith is a bit overweight, and hockey jerseys are not flattering, particularly if they feature the double whammy of having horizontal stripes. If you’re kind of a fat guy you shouldn’t wear hockey jerseys or gorilla costumes to dinner. Hockey jerseys are by definition oversized and it’s just not a great look.
11. Johnny Cash’s Black Suit – Johnny Cash was The Man in Black. He actually looked pretty cool, but if you listen to the lyrics of his song The Man in Black, it becomes pretty apparent that Cash had a messiah complex, as he claimed he wore black suits because of the plight of the poor, the incarcerated, people who were not Christian, sick people, old people, acid casualties, religious zealots and the soldiers in Vietnam. You could pretty much wear any color of suit and apply your style to choice to various political causes. It just so happens his activism in the form of wearing a black suit happened to look pretty cool? Interesting. Why not wear a yellow suit because the bumblebees are disappearing? Nobody would ever do that.
10. Mr T’s Mohawk – I’m still unclear if Mister T is a character or a real guy. Either way his mohawk is awesome. Never change.
9. Dolly Parton’s Huge Fake Boobs – Dolly Parton makes a lot of jokes about her enormous tits, which are conveniently there because she bought them. It’s almost the exact same thing as the comedian with the stupid haircut who makes a lot of jokes about his stupid haircut. Why not just get a normal haircut?
8. Kerry Kittles’ One High Sock – Kerry Kittles is a somewhat obscure reference but he played college basketball at Villanova in the nineties and then had a stellar NBA career. He wore one knee high sock and one ankle sock. The beauty of it was the simplicity.
7. Jack Nicholson’s Tinted Glasses – Jack Nicholson looks like he sees the world from a different perspective. Try putting on yellow glasses. Things look different. Especially if you’re stoned. This is Nicholson saying you’re not on my level, and don’t even think about trying to get there.
6. Prince Always Wearing Purple – Prince was enough of a badass that he literally claimed one of only ten colors on the color wheel as his own. That takes a lot of balls. Nobody was really aiming to claim purple. All the good porn url’s were already taken, but purple was just kind of there. Mark Twain claimed white, Johnny Cash black. The Crips red. The Bloods blue. But purple was just kind of there for the taking. Now the question must be asked – did Prince settle for purple?
5. Drew Brees’ Birthmark – This technically violates the rules of the list, but Brees could easily get this removed and has chosen not to. Picture Odell Beckham sitting in the stylist’s chair as they set his hair in foil packets every week. Now picture Drew Brees not giving a shit about his birthmark. One of these guys is cooler than the other one.
4. Samuel L Jackson’s Kangol Hat – What is Kangol? Where do these hats come from? What purpose do they serve? How do the hats relate to kangaroos? Jackson jumped on this obscure British brand and rolled with it. He looks really cool, which is saying a lot because the hats themselves are not especially cool. If Kangol isn’t paying him a ton of money he needs a new agent. He probably owns the company already.
3. Mark Twain’s white suit – Mark Twain detested black clothing because he associated it with the dour, sullen manner of the church. Back in the day, wearing a white suit was considered pretty eccentric. Twain probably just wanted to have a cool trademark, but he often rationalized his white suit in terms of hygiene, since you can tell when a white suit gets dirty, but a black suit could just harbor a ton of filth and you’d never know. People didn’t wash their clothes as often back then. He probably had OCD. He explained why he wore the white suit on several occasions:
“You see, when a man gets to be 71, as I am, the world begins to look somber and dark. I believe we should do all we can to brighten things up and make ourselves look cheerful. You can’t do that by wearing black, funereal clothes. And why shouldn’t a man wear white? It betokens purity and innocence.”
Seems to make sense. Either way a white suit does look pretty cool, and Twain travelled a lot, especially to the tropics. Wearing a black suit when it’s hot out is an abysmal experience. So not only did the suit look badass, it was functional. Now people wear tank tops on airplanes. Back then, a man wore a suit. We should meet somewhere in the middle.
2. Alan Iverson Braids – At one point the NBA’s Hoop Magazine photoshopped Iverson’s tattoos off when they put him on the cover in an effort to make him appear less gangster. Good luck. They probably would have made him shave the braids off, if that wouldn’t come off as wholly un-American. Iverson rocked the cornrows his entire career, popularizing them, and keeping them after the popularity wained, and remarkably even after Justin Timberlake and Kevin Federline started copying the style. That takes dedication.
1. Elvis’ Onesies – There has only been one guy in history who could pull this off. Not only were these jumpsuits Elvis’ trademark, but nobody in history has ever been confident enough to try and replicate this look. I don’t care who you are, Johnny Depp would be mocked relentlessly if he tried rocking one of these to Nobu. People thought Elvis was awesome and nobody made fun of him. Even more impressive, Elvis never even acknowledged that he was wearing a one piece leather suit with bell bottoms, bell sleeves, a collar the size of a shoe box, and emblazoned with red white and blue bald eagles. Imagine if he walked into one of those Amazon villages that had never had contact with the outside world, and he was wearing one of these. They would either immediately kill him as a heretic or make him their god, my money is on the latter.