An Open Letter To Bros About Watching Sports

GUY

 

My Fellow Bros,

It’s time to stop taking sports so seriously. Sports are supposed to be a diversion. Entertainment. Supplementary.

They shouldn’t occupy the majority of your knowledge, passion, and interest in life. A true bro should be well versed in the fields of cinema, literature, science, politics, fitness, and leisure activities such as sporting events and gaming.

You’re not supposed to know who the catcher of the Mets is and not the Secretary of State. Don’t watch two pompous idiots on First Take bicker every morning as if they’re talking about anything meaningful. Nobody knows who’s going to win, and we all know who won. Stop making ESPN your white noise.

You’re a bro. Watch the news. Find something that catches your eye and show up to work incensed about it after doing minimal research. Like a bro.

“Did you guys know some of these Chipotle locations are under reporting the calorie content on their menus? I’ve been reading about it all morning.”

Sports aren’t significant on a world scale. There are wars going on. Disease. Economic instability. The changing of regimes. The fight for Democracy.

As the Golden State Warriors were about to clinch the NBA Championship, Mark Jackson uttered that they were:

“Going down in the history books as the 2015 Champs.”

In The History Books? Which one? How big is that book that this would possibly make the cut? Be honest bro, do you even know who won the Championship three years ago?

It’s not that important.

Contrary to popular belief, none of this will be going down in the history books.

They’ll have to edit out who won the Stanley Cup next year to cover events like the invention of a zero emissions fuel source or how Monsanto killed off three quarters of the world population.

There are things happening directly related to your life right now bro. Why is your cost of living increasing and your paycheck is the same? Where are these firetrucks constantly going with their sirens blaring when there hasn’t been a fire in your town since the Great Earthquake of 1967?

Your mom used to tell you to do your homework before you could watch TV.

Bros, we have to start doing our homework before we watch the game.

Did your dad know what a Player Efficiency Rating was? No. But he knew how to build a house.

Did your grandpa know any advanced metrics? He didn’t bros, because he was busy killing grizzlies with his bare hands.

By the way bros, metrics is just a really, really stupid and pretentious way to say stats.

Why are my fellow bros finding themselves so easily distracted by this world of men in shiny shirts?

The answer is twofold.

Bros are frustrated with the state of the world. They find themselves unable to understand the inherent contradictions of American society. So they shut it out.

The media stopped reporting facts. Everyone is uninformed and just arguing spin from FOX or MSNBC, and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth when you get in a fistfight with another bro because they want to vote for the guy who wants your grandma’s fate decided via death panel.

Yet bros maintain the need to conquer. To be an authority on something. Bros need to make profound points.

About things.

It doesn’t really matter the topic, so long as enough people are into it. Knowing what’s happening in the world is a lot of work. Watching football and listening to sports radio? That’s more the speed for most bros.

Bros now have a 24/7 news cycle of sports minutiae and a Twitter feed full of people they think they know more than who they can routinely slam with insults.

It’s easier in that world than the real one. This way the bros won’t be vulnerable to their insecurities or vulnerabilities.

Bros know deep within their hearts that Jordan was better than LeBron. But there are no such certainties in death.

I have been to the mountain top. I have a dream that one day a group of bros may be able to get slobbering drunk while watching the Eagles game and discuss federal interest rate hikes at halftime. That a group of bros might skip one of the 162 Cubs games and take in a foreign film and not keep calling it ‘gay’ in the theater.

We’re letting ourselves down, but more importantly we’re letting down our country.

Let’s go from bros,

To men.

 

Lates,

 

Matt Ralston

 

 

 

About 

Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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