Some states produce cooler people than others, so I’m issuing the definitive official rankings on the subject. These are not rankings of the states themselves, simply the value of the people who come from each state. Starting from worst to best:
50. New York – These people are just annoying. Constant chatter about baseball and pizza. Unwarranted overconfidence and a prevalent sense of entitlement based on overpaying for bad apartments. Will mention their ethnicity or heritage when it is completely irrelevant, such as “Being an Irish American, I’ll have a Sprite.” Upstate the people get much better but still a prevalence of townies smoking Marlboro 100’s while wearing jean vests.
49. Connecticut – Wall Street commuters, tree lined streets inhabited by people actively involved in price fixing scandals, guys with popped collars and boat shoes. They put clams on a pizza. Enough said.
48. Delaware – Lacrosse buddies and macrobrews, corporate drones discussing the federal interest rate. You’re either a multi-millionaire or on welfare, nothing in between. Huge fans of Bon Jovi.
47. New Mexico – A diverse state with several different groups of meth heads. Most people are caked in dirt. They often carry butterfly knives and remove the letters from their Toyota pickups so it just says Yo. They love this.
46. Pennsylvania – The people of Philadelphia are either actively engaged in a bar fight or working on starting one. Their favorite activities are racist heckling, talking about firing the head coach of various sports teams and arguing over the price of bootleg DVD’s. Pittsburgh is a major improvement allthough nearly everyone is missing at least one finger, which is unsightly.
45. Utah – One of the only states where xenophobes apply their scrutiny to other white people. They consider Lyle Lovett hard rock and biscuits and gravy ‘ethnic food.’ They are usually watching and judging you while sitting in the corner drinking juice with a bib on.
44. Virginia – For some reason every single male or female is wearing khakis and a burgundy sweater. Half of them are out of work spies. Once they return home from their jobs at Halliburton they kick back by watching Jim Cramer and blowing cigar smoke in the dog’s face. There is also a small subset of the population which still travels by boxcar.
43. Maryland – Basically Delaware but they care more about crab. People from Baltimore have a bizarre sense of pride in their city which is weird because most of their neighbors have been murdered by gang members. Bad goatees and nautical themed tattoos are common.
42. Idaho – A pervasive smell of gasoline which can never be washed off. Often handle chainsaws recklessly. Pallid eyes, and a strong predilection towards arson.
41. Texas – Enormous heads and bodies. They spend an inordinate amount of time simply ‘driving around’ without a known destination. Prone to annoying substitutions in restaurants. Many of them wear a costume seven days a week.
40. Florida – Face tattoos. Schooling is optional after grade six. Beach combing remains their top industry. Half the population drives a licensed rape van. Cocaine is considered ‘highfalutin.’ Many ESL rappers. Do not believe them when they say their dog doesn’t bite.
39. Hawaii – Strongly territorial while in line at McDonald’s.
38. Alabama – A borderline psychotic fixation on amateur football. Occasional uncomfortable discussions about history. Strongly overweight. Grilling cake is not uncommon. They often burn their garbage. Avoid the topic of dinosaurs.
37. Alaska – Redneck Tony Montanas but with way worse coke. Their disposition is friendly unless you respectfully disagree with them at which point they’re prone to spontaneous manslaughter. This is mostly due to their being on edge as they’re on the lam for child support payments. A compulsive disrespect for authority up to and including the dealer in Monopoly. Will often arrange a fight between you and the bouncer without running it by you first.
36. California – The southern region is a generally unexceptional crowd. Anyone making an hourly wage is way too high on edibles to work a cash register. Many trust fund kids with herpes. Residents often practice some form of pseudo mysticism. San Francisco has been re-gentrified so there are now a lot of bitchy millionaires. Anything north is guys training for MMA while smoking vape pens and leaving their wives in the car with the windows rolled up.
35. New Jersey – Exceptionally quick with unsolicited roast routines at funerals. Their buddy Jay has a Mustang for sale. They went to Florida once.
34. South Carolina – Nice people if you can figure out what they’re saying. Their go to move is inviting you to ride on their four wheeler and then crashing it.
33. Indiana – Stiff movements. Most own a manual about corn. Generally forgettable wallflowers.
32. Arizona – The great thing about golf courses is you can talk trash about minorities without having to look over your shoulder. It’s not uncommon to have a gun pulled on you for accidentally disposing of your water bottle in the neighbor’s recycling bin. A lot of Chads flunking out of business school.
31. Nevada – Like New Mexico people but with entertainment options beyond illegal fireworks and cockfighting. Don’t leave your money out.
30. Wisconsin – They rarely leave the house but have been spotted as far South as Omaha.
29. West Virginia – Most of them are ill with the consumption. Nonetheless they’ll still offer you a friendly glass of gravy.
28. Arkansas – If you still live in Arkansas, you’re probably alright. Like, just alright.
27. Maine – Some of the more frightening looking people to have walked planet earth. Snaggletoothed and clad in burlap, once you get to know them they possess a fierce sense of loyalty. Most believe that the woods are haunted but it’s actually just their neighbors peering in through the window.
26. Colorado – Nondescript. Adept at building beer can pyramids. They often work in other states and return to Colorado every night.
25. North Dakota – They’re really grateful to have someone to talk to. Yes, you may help me with my groceries, let’s see some hustle Mrs. Gunderson!
24. South Dakota – The same as North Dakota people but in the grips of delirium tremens. Prideful of their gift shop back home.
23. Georgia – The guy who shot the giant pig is getting his own holiday.
22. Mississippi – Whatever they’re mumbling seems nonthreatening. If you know how to make a good paper airplane they’ll think you’re psychic.
21. Kansas – These people come from good families. They then move other places and become alcoholics.
20. Rhode Island – Anyone with the sense of humor to live in Rhode Island is inherently pretty cool.
19. New Hampshire – That pack of wild wildebeests is eating our decorative garden gnomes. Whatever let’s have some more wine.
18. Vermont – These folks are into naked birdwatching, naked snowboarding, and fully clothed orgies. More than willing to lend you money, they just don’t have any right now.
17. Kentucky – This honestly should have been way more towards the top of the list. Really friendly people but their clothes are too greasy, put a blanket down on the couch. Extended conversations about barbecue, they are comfortable anywhere that does not require standing up. Certain parts get very Blair Witch. Avoid discussing religion, change the topic to barbecue.
16. North Carolina – They eat most of their meals at 7-11. Easygoing. As in, would you like to go with me to steal some electronics from the Walmart? Well, sure.
15. Tennessee – Their ridiculous accents can transform an anecdote about an oil change into a real laugh riot. These people lack pretension and will invite you to their pool party which turns out to be an inflatable bathtub with leaves floating in it.
14. Missouri – Most of them grew up close enough to a real city to pick up on major cultural references.
13. Oklahoma – There’s something about surviving a tornado that gives you an interesting perspective on life.
12. Wyoming – Overly willing to help you stain your deck or dispose of a body in their leaf pile.
11. Minnesota – They talk funny. Most live a life similar to the premise of Cheers.
10. Illinois – They’re endearingly passionate about sausages and bready pizza. That Super Fans sketch was actually a documentary.
9. Iowa – They place an emphasis on education and bonfires and are willing to throw a guy through a plate glass window if he’s bothering you.
8. Massachusetts – While typically unemployed these people are adept at coming up with biting insults while speaking at a fast rate of speed while drunk. They are currently working on a scam to con their way into a lifetime supply of free Subway. They’re entertaining in moderation but don’t get in too deep. At some point they’ll need to crash on your couch, at that point you’ll be on a government list.
7. Michigan – Stoic and possessing great aim.
6. Louisiana – Ambiguous in age, most can pass for anything between a college student and a grandparent. This leads to the breaking down of various social barriers. Most have a cozy relationship with the cops and know a guy with a fan boat. They carry a cooler everywhere with them.
5. Washington – These people usually have a decent job and a relatively stress free life. Combined with the fresh air it leads them to be pretty chill. They also know people in bands, which is a bonus.
4. Nebraska – A bunch of people from Nebraska did me a solid so I ranked them this high.
3. Montana – Not easily bothered or offended or removed from their cabins or saloons. They basically just don’t care. Eager to do outdoor activities such as drinking outside or shooting beer cans outside or peeing outside or building snowmen and blowing it up with firecrackers. Drag racing is common.
2. Oregon – Pretty much every guy is Steve Prefontaine. Sure Portland hipsters are annoying but so are mosquitos. Simply swat them away and enjoy the trail.
1. Ohio – Everyone from Ohio is cool. It’s something about simultaneously bordering Canada and the deep south, which doesn’t even sound possible. These are the guys who break up fights, bring an extra trey of potato salad to the cookout, and let you know when your shoes are untied or your fly is open. They remember your birthday and ask how your folks are doing. Sometimes they vote blue, sometimes red. They’re a reasonable people, perhaps because their football team has sucked forever. Baseball caps are usually worn the correct way. Often well hydrated. They have an old truck you can borrow.