Dear College Protestors:
I am having a hard time finding my Safe Place when I watch what you are engaged in. I should explain that just watching television brings me great pain, as I am offended by several of the commercials and their hetero-normative pandering. I find, for example, all beer commercials to be symbols of rape culture and therefore Triggers of which I need a Warning. In fact, I believe that anytime I have a drink, or sixteen, I have been raped. Even if I’m alone with my gender neutral cat. I have written several letters to City Council to provide me with a Channel Surfing Guide to shield me from material that I would potentially object to, but as of yet have been stonewalled by their racist, fascist lack of compassion for my feelings. I have resigned myself to not watch TV or read anymore so as to not expose myself to anything I find offensive. Indeed, I hope to someday move to Sweden where they allow you to take the day off from work if you’ve taken something on a cafe menu as a personal slight.
First of all, your choice to attend institutions of higher learning is extremely insensitive to all minorities, as is the word Minority. That is a Micro-Agression and I am now crying because I had to use it. Tragically, my word processor lacks Emojis, which I find disrespectful to the subcontinent of Asia, as that is one of their contributions to the contemporary lexicon and is frequently ignored by our anglocentric society. I don’t find the word anglo offensive by the way.
All of the universities you attend were founded by white males, and with your choice to attend them you are condoning white male privilege, and came up with the idea of slavery. Indeed the very institutions you attend are symbols of racism, so you’re all racist. Also, your parents are racist for giving them your tuition money.
I have repeatedly asked the superintendent of my apartment building to stand guard over me while I write this letter, and have only been ignored, which I take as a personal affront because I believe he is fostering a culture of intolerance in the building, and I find him threatening which means he should be arrested and held without a lawyer until I change my mind.
Just yesterday I left the confines of my two bedroom apartment and slept in the courtyard in a sleeping bag and didn’t eat anything for five hours except a locally sourced Five Hour Energy which I shoplifted out of protest because I am economically disadvantaged and see retail as a form of Micro-Aggression.
After being ignored the first night I called my local newspaper, and when a reporter showed up I threw some rocks at him because he was invading my Safe Space, which I marked off with some non-native plant species that I got from my neighbor’s patio, which I see as a symbol of oppression and they give me heartburn, meaning I can’t work.
My neighbor is a member of the privileged class, because his apartment is three bedrooms and mine is only two. This I again see as an aggression so I’m thinking about cursing him the fuck out.
As I laid there I thought about how to file various police reports against people who asked what I was doing and possibly get my neighbor evicted because he called me an idiot. I thought of the current unrest in Ferguson, in Baltimore, and of the systematic racism which plagues our society.
Then I thought about the real problems we face as a nation: People on Twitter who disagreed with my essay about how the only non-offensive Halloween costume was Malcolm Gladwell.
I’m currently working to reserve myself a suite at the Hilton so I may decompress if I receive any responses to this letter which I don’t agree with; and if any of you fascists should feel the need I’ll immediately report you to Twitter and to the police and start a campaign to publicly shame you because we need to have an honest debate in this country where only I talk.
Sincerely,
Matt Ralston,
Victim