Harambe Was Not Your Boyfriend

HarambeI’ve seen this photo plastered all over social media intimating the slaying of the noble giant Harambe. It reminds me of that super creepy Burt Reynolds pic where he’s laying naked on the bear rug. Who’s this gorilla playing third base for, I’m confused.

Harambe didn’t pose for this photo, he was thinking about raping whoever took it. Nobody told him to look right into the camera. You’re assigning human characteristics to a naked beast. Why didn’t the devout conservationist who snapped this from behind an enclosure take one when he was jerking off in public or did the zoo decide not to use that one to make him look more approachable?

I wouldn’t let my kid near a priest alone, but I’d much sooner let him starch their incredibly gay hats overnight than hang with a pack of gorillas.

If you visit a zoo you’re culturally bankrupt. More so if you actually like animals. If you have a personal vendetta against other species and are treating the zoo as your personal Auschwitz, it’s pretty fucked up but at least it makes sense.

Loving cute cuddly animals and taking your children on a tour of their prison yard is just antithetical and is instilling bad morals.

I don’t want to hear any shit about conservation. First of all I know for a fact that’s not why you go and don’t know the science. Secondly, conservationists who work at zoos are full of shit, they’re just people with serious trauma unable to sustain a human relationship. Their only joy in life is feeding a captive baby porcupine a bottle of formula. The entire thing is gross and amounts to the square root of Stockholm Syndrome.

So they shot Harambe when the kid jumped into his cell. It’s incredibly fucked up but at least he’s out of his misery. Picture the vast amount of neurological and physical suffering on the part of animals in zoos and druggies in prison all over the world and the comparatively miniscule amount of pain that gorilla felt in that moment.

The gorilla was trying to protect the kid and got flustered. Its intentions were pure. If its prefrontal lobes were evolved enough it would have committed suicide a long time ago. That’s one of the major factors that separate humans from the lower apes. The ability to control our own mortality. We also usually go to jail if we jerk off on the subway.

They had to shoot that gorilla. If you think otherwise picture that being your kid, you’d be grabbing for the gun. I also couldn’t help but feel a tinge of racism from these liberals. Would you be advocating the gorilla watch after precious Hunter?

And if you’re real bent out of shape, there are starving people all over the world who could use your sympathy. They’d even charge zero admission fee.

The ironic part is when they brought out the zookeepers who supposedly love the gorillas to talk about how they did the right thing.

Great job cocksuckers. If that Harambe had the ability to think critically he’d have killed you long ago. It doesn’t. It’s a dumb animal.

That’s what separates us. We have a general affinity for colonization and prison profiteering.

And taking cool headshots.



Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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