Ian Hans Lichterman, The Nazi Cop

Whenever a cop shoots an unarmed black guy or pepper sprays a line of peaceful protestors, the default response is a variation of “There are a few bad apples, most cops are hardworking good people.” The ones that I’ve met have been, by and large, total dick bags. Puffing their chests out, parading around the city on their ridiculous horses like they’re in the Spanish American War, issuing frivolous traffic tickets which take food out of peoples’ mouths, and usually behaving something between smug, downright rude, or clearly in the throes of PTSD, while doing this.

They’re involved in grand larceny. They are militarized. They seize property. They have no respect for constitutional rights. Where are all of these good ones hiding? Surely you’re not talking about the guy parked on his motorcycle at the bottom of a holler issuing speeding tickets to safely driving unsuspecting motorists. He’s got a family? Who gives a shit, so did Stalin. Although some, I assume, are good people.

If cops are such good people, why are they so often the target of protests? Why do people in certain communities strongly dislike them? Has anyone ever protested the Fire Department? No. Because they do what they are paid to do, and otherwise stay out of public view. People refer to cops as pigs. There’s not even a derogatory name for firemen.

Along that line of thought, what kind of asshole would choose to be a cop over a fireman? The pay is the same, overinflated pensions and all. The answer, usually, is an extremely insecure sad broken man with an axe to grind against society. He did not make the baseball team. Now he can take your money. Or worse.

In 2000, the 2nd US Circuit Court of Appeals upheld a previous ruling allowing police departments to discriminate based on intelligence when hiring officers. Unlike more legitimate professions, the police department in question was discriminating against officers for being too smart, not too dumb.

And this guy wasn’t even that smart.

If you’ve interacted with a lot of cops, it is painfully obvious this is a common practice. No human being capable of free thought would earnestly believe that the purpose of sitting under an overpass with a radar gun was to protect and serve the public.

But a total fucking idiot would!

For this reason you should assume all police are mentally inferior to you, and you’ll be correct more often than you would about people of any other profession. McDonald’s, for example, has no such policy against hiring smart people. Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, worked at McDonald’s. He didn’t used to pull over black teens.

I suppose you can’t make a rash judgement and assume an individual isn’t inherently good just because they belong to a certain group. Although, what about the Nazis? Were there any standup Nazis? Most of those guys were just doing their jobs, you know, good hardworking people, all that.

You’ve probably noticed an increasing number of cops looking hopped up on steroids, wearing their civilian contractor Oakleys, shaved heads, rolling their sleeves way up to show off the tattoos on their artificially pumped up biceps.

There are a few reasons for this proliferation of extra-obnoxious stupid assholes: Firstly, our troops finished with their tours of duty overseas need jobs, and this is the highest paying gig they’re immediately qualified for. Of course, they’re used to occupying a foreign country and engaging in combat with its residents, so watch your lip. Second, police are to enforce laws and not ask questions. If they can intimidate the population they’re supposedly serving, that population will be less likely to resist what they’re enforcing. Such as Martial Law. Now we’re giving them tanks. It’s Fascism 101.

Take the case of Ian Hans Lichterman, a Philadelphia PD bicycle cop and known Neo-Nazi and white supremacist. That’s a pretty heavy accusation, so let’s document it beyond reproach. There are photos of him online wearing a Nazi uniform and participating in a ceremonial Nazi reenactment. He was discovered to be a member of Blood and Honour, a white supremacist group. His social media posts include photos of his German police memorabilia, and uplifting gems such as “You Can’t Coexist With People Who Want To Kill You.” His Flickr account handle was Panzerhund0311, a reference to the Nazi Panzer tanks used in World War II and the 0311 Marine infantry code for a rifleman. What a creep, he uses Flickr.

If that’s not enough, Fat Remy also has prominent tattoos on his forearms including the Partieadler (translated from german as the party’s eagle), which is an eagle with outstretched wings and is one of the Nazi party’s most well known symbols, the Iron Cross (the most commonly used American white supremacist symbol), and an American flag with an assault rifle over it that says “God and Country.”

This is the guy you’re arguing your ticket with, and he’s got a gun. But most of them are good people, there’s really nothing to worry about.

If you’re someone who doesn’t think there’s a problem with policing in this country, consider a few things: Lictherman has been an officer with the Philadelphia Police Department since 2002. What has he been doing that whole time? He is comfortable enough with his Nazi tattoos to prominently display them in public. He was either hired with these tattoos, or not disciplined after he got them. None of his fellow cops ever filed a complaint about this, apparently not believing being a cop and a Nazi was a conflict of interest. This photo of him was taken as he was part of a blockade denying protestors the right to march on a major street, at a Black Lives Matter event, called the Black Resistance March, which was organized, in the organizers’ own words, as a “Black DNC Resistance March against Police Terrorism & State Repression.”

The irony.

Lichterman is still on the Philadelphia PD, because there are no rules barring officers from sporting Nazi tattoos. That should tell you something. They’re desperately in need of thugs to steal your money, and the scruples went out the window a long time ago.

If you haven’t been convinced there’s a problem by now then this probably won’t convince you either, because you’re either a fucking retard or a Nazi of like Lichterman, a retarded Nazi who believes in the power of the white man, the Trump presidency, and the new Taco Bell item where the shell is made out of chicken.

I heard the Philly PD is hiring.


Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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