Why Isn’t Election Night More Violent?

Presidential Election Day in America is not statistically more violent than the same day in non-election years. That’s troubling. I mean, it’s good that people don’t flip out and act crazy, but if the low voter turnout doesn’t doesn’t signify our apathy or that we’ve been beaten into submission, shouldn’t our docile and obedient nature on this day?

Especially the time in 2000 when a coup was staged by the Republican party and half the country was disenfranchised so that an idiot from Texas could be elected and his dad’s friends could start some wars?

Where are our balls? At least in other countries they put up a fight.

I’ve been out in public places the past five elections. The most emotion I’ve seen out of people is a fist pump or a look of despair. Followed by fucking white people dancing.

I do remember when the Lakers won a few years back driving home through a mess of burning cars.

To be fair the Democratic primary process is built to weed out any candidate who could possibly generate any earnest enthusiasm (save for Barack Obama’s first run), but that was an anomaly. The Republican party is made up entirely of hapless buffoons who have dedicated their lives to making things unexciting. That’s basically what conservatism is.

We get rid of the agitators. Nobody’s rooting too hard.

Think about the Super Bowl or Stanley Cup. The city of the winning team usually has a respectable riot that night. At the very least there are many more arrests and DUI’s than normal, many times over. And the Super Bowl happens every single year, not every four. This should be World Cup shit!

People from Chicago didn’t riot when Obama won. People from Tennessee didn’t riot when Bush cheated Gore. They didn’t even get drunk and drive around and get busted more. Wjat does this say about our society? When Hillary wins nobody will riot, because nobody knows where she is from and many suspects her diet consists mainly of D batteries, but also they just won’t be excited enough.


Two credible studies have shown that domestic violence rates rise in the home state of an NFL team which loses in an upset, by around 8 percent. There is no such study related to the presidential election.

It’s important to keep in mind that people who are passionate about politics are probably less prone to violence due to being more boring and having much lower testosterone than the general public.

We also have this completely awful two party system in the United States, so even if you’re bummed out on the loss you know your candidate will have around a 50/50 chance of winning the next one. If the Lakers won every other time people definitely wouldn’t get as excited. This is part of the genius of designing it the system this way, having only two teams to pick from. We’re like the dumb kid at the carnival. Give us a consolation prize. We get an eraser every four years and think we won.

Everything’s going to be fine, just keep paying the DMV.

When the police execute a few too many black guys or the new world order looks to institute a new slave trade agreement people occasionally lose their shit and go bonkers. Yet these same groups rioting would stand the most to gain from electing the right president, and on that night all is silent.

The people at the top and in the middle are going to be alright no matter who’s elected, and they’ll be overturning police cars next time their college football team wins a bowl game.

The fact that disenfranchised people don’t feel the urge to riot on election night means that they’re truly disenfranchised. It’s pretty sad. At this point it’s not even worth it to burn shit. This thing is rigged. Save the bullets and lighter fluid for something meaningful.

Also, pretty smart of them to hold it on a Tuesday.

Based on the crime stats, Americans clearly care more about football than the most powerful person put in charge of them. Maybe that’s why the US military pays the NFL to wave their flags.

It’s a nice bargain for nobody. I want sushi and those people want tacos. Great, here’s a bucket of mashed potatoes.

Give us four years of Hillary and we’ll promise not to make a big deal about it.

At this point we just don’t care enough. They won. Check the numbers.


Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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