Let’s Stop Kissing Pope Francis’ Ass Now

I’m tired of hearing about how great Pope Francis is because he says things that sound halfway reasonable and acts like he’s a fucking revolutionary. What kind of bar has the Catholic church set? You don’t think gay people are going to hell? Everyone already knew that, you old fuck. Aren’t you the figurehead of a money laundering child rape covering post colonial mind control experiment?

Now you think you’re hip because you’re more closely in line with the chicks on The View?

The previous pope, Ratzinger, dabbled in the Nazi Youth so as to have a story of changing his ways. This helped him get elected. Regular people meanwhile never get credit for not ever joining the Nazi Youth. If I had to pick between a guy who joined the Nazi Youth and then found God in his head, or a guy for whom it had just never occurred to join a white supremacist terrorist group, I’m going with the second guy every time.

Pope Michael J. Fox.


Ratzinger had a pretty serious stance against homosexuality and not coincidentally was a part of a massive scandal in which it was revealed that almost everyone he employed was gay and were literally turning The Vatican into their own personal bathhouse.

Couple that with some fairly bigoted remarks towards his fellow gays and verifiable evidence that he was well aware of several child rape coverups, and it was decided he was a bit too much of a liability to continue reading his giant ornamented books in his stupid wingsuit and occasionally staggering into public to scare the children of economically troubled parents.

Ratzinger was a notable scholar of Catholic theology.

Present day Catholicism features much analysis of esoteric and anachronistic passages, which is necessary since the premise of Catholicism is one of the more asinine concepts anyone has ever conceived.

It becomes mandatory to water down the teachings in endless drivel, particularly when someone asks a pertinent question such as “Are you fucking serious?”

A question like that must be met with at least three counterpoints of circuitous reasoning, usually invoking the sexuality of the person who asked the question, and will wind up after you stop paying attention with come back next week and bring money.

If you have a good idea, you just say it.

“I have developed a margarita which tastes good but is still low in calories.”


“I made a battery powered sports car which can kick any gas powered vehicle’s ass and has zero emissions”


How would the pope do on Shark Tank?

Catholics believe, as far as I can tell, that a woman became pregnant without having sex, and then she gave birth to a boy and that was God’s kid, and then the jews kill the kid because he was super annoying yet made some good points, and God still holds a grudge because the first two people he made fucked each other and that is somehow your fault so you have to go into his building once a week.

Marc Cuban’s out.

So, Ratzinger was a gay pederast money launderer, and is now living in exile in The Vatican, literally. If he tried to fly to Cabo right now he’d be detained by Homeland Security. Not a joke.

He stepped down quietly.

Then it was time for all the Cardinals to get together and find a new pope. There are 219 of them.

They believe that God tells them exactly who should be next in line to be pope, and they spend a lot of time caucusing, and eating take out, and then they light up some potpourri and everyone is supposed to care.

It’s amazing how God is so adaptable.

You would think a 10,000 year old guy would just be kind of set in his ways, but no.

It turns out when the dude he picked to represent him retires after only 8 years due to a pesky child molestation scandal, he becomes totally adaptable and really gets with the times.

Does God have a man bun? Is God on Tinder?

8 years, to a 10,000 year old man is roughly 1/1250th of his life.

Assuming I live to be 80 years old, that would be like me changing my mind on a very important life decision .02 seconds after I made up my mind.

I can’t trust an indecisive God like that.

How convenient that his will is directly tied to the news cycle.

Was God pro child rape coverup before the reports came out?

What a fucking dick.

Anyone who joins the clergy is either a self loathing gay man deeply repressed at the hands of the church, a child molester most likely himself a survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of a priest (it’s a cycle) a schizophrenic who hears God talking to him, an egomanicac, or a combination of the above.

It’s not a normal thing to do for a healthy, normal man.

So the revamped Catholic church features this guy Francis, who is a vast improvement over the deposed criminal who proceeded him.

He’s so cool that he says things which sound reasonable, although only by virtue that these mundane common sense proclamations are coming from a source which is known for saying things which are completely out of touch, idiotic, or dangerous.

If a random guy at Hooters sidled up to you and said,

“I think child molestation is bad, global warming is a problem, war profiteering appears to be unethical, and it’s kind of shitty that some people are trillionaires and other people don’t have water”

You’d excuse yourself, because he would appear to be psychotic for considering himself progressive simply for stating the obvious, and for being virtuous by way of not being venomous.

I can’t help but wonder how depraved an organization is, in which someone with a general sense of humanity is seen as progressive.

Rest assured, he’s well aware of the money laundering.

Francis, as well as the organization he represents, still works relentlessly to deny reparations for child rape victims and doesn’t believe in birth control.

Above all, he doesn’t believe in taxes for the wealthiest institution in world history, and they still have their little shops set up in every country they helped to colonize, begging for a few bucks to pay off child rapists.

Until Francis really lets his hair down and along with admonishing bigotry, war, and global warming, states for the record that the Catholic Church is a criminal organization, I’m shying away from putting his poster on my wall.

Since when did not as terrible become fucking great?



Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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