Zach Miko Is So Right Now In A Bad Way

IGM Models, the most powerful modeling agency in the world, just signed Zach Miko as their first plus sized male model and he will be heading up their Brawn Division. Apparently they don’t say Husky anymore because we all know it just means pre-diabetic. Brawn will eventually come to be identified with guys who hide Taco Bell wrappers in the center console of their Priuses, but in the meantime it has some positive connotations. Let’s see if Zach Miko can tarnish that.

Not having a tattoo would be more original.

Not having a tattoo would be more original.

I’m probably wondering the exact same thing as many of you: How did this take so long? Any modeling agency that didn’t immediately snatch up Zach Miko is way behind the times. He’s obviously one of the sexiest men on earth. To be fair I’ve always had a man crush on bouncers in crappy sports bars and line cooks at craft burger joints. Women also have a thing for ogres with tattoos they ordered from Abercrombie and beards full of nacho cheese.

Miko is 6’6″, 240 pounds. He’s a big guy. He could lose a little weight but what does it matter, it’s not like he’s a professional model or something. Oh, wait. Imagine meeting this guy at a party and him dropping that line. It would actually get a genuine laugh until you realized he was serious. Female plus size models deserve a raised eyebrow and chuckle as well, it’s not sexist it’s just pragmatic.

Zach Miko’s Instagram profile is predictably loaded with photos of him eating chicken wings and giant hams and drinking a lot of beer. Whether or not he actually consumes these things is within the realm of doubt, IGM probably has a trainer counting his calories. You want to look like you don’t care, not like you’re outwardly destroying yourself. There’s a fine line.

Another annoying thing about Miko is he seems to think it’s amazing that he’s 6’6″, like that’s as uncommon as being empirically attractive. It’s above the curve but in no way impressive. One of his photos shows him not being able to fit into a car and in another one he’s unable to high five a guy because his arm is too long. We get it, you’re the above average height guy. Who told you this was interesting?

Wow he is taller than the other guy.

Wow he is taller than the other guy.

As you’d expect, Miko also posted a tweet someone sent him telling him he’s overweight so he could empower himself on the body shaming issue. He had to search really hard for anyone who gives a shit and there’s a possibility he created the account and did it himself:

“You’d be so hot if you just dropped the belly. It’s a shame you’d rather waste your looks and more modeling gigs for bad health.”

His heroic reply:

“This woman is the master of the back handed compliment. Some people really just aren’t going to understand #bodypositivity #NoBS #plusisequal #iamsizesexy

Any man who hashtags something as “I am size sexy” deserves to be punched in the gunt. The issues at the forefront of Miko’s mind seem suspiciously timed to the point of seeming calculated.

Scrolling through his Instagram and Twitter pages, he never had any opinions on the subject before signing with IMG. Is imparting his status quo opinion on the topic of body image part of the gig, or is Miko slowly realizing that all these years of eating deep dish have been part of the process of becoming an activist?

Taking it a step further he also retweeted a compliment he received from Whitney Way of My Big Fat Fabulous Life, soon to be renamed My Big Fat Death From Pulmonary Heart Disease:

“The amazing @WhitneyWay saying she loved me on last nights show. I love you too #NoBS”

Whose hero is this?

Whose hero is this?

Whitney Way is a disgusting slob denying a serious problem. It’s not fabulous to brag about eating pie when your’re hundreds of pounds overweight, it’s gross. TLC knows this, the subjects of all their shows are all either obese, involved in pedophilia, or both and will all be in jail or dead soon. Save a time slot for Charlie Sheen when he becomes an AIDS denialist, you patronizing douchebags.

Browsing IMG’s current list of clientele, 95 percent of their models are rail thin to fit and muscular, but they are dipping their toes into some niche markets. Many of them have singular humanoid names like Ajak and look like extras from Masters of the Universe. You’d better bet your ass they write poetry too.

They have a few models with septum piercings in case you couldn’t find one on Amazon. As part of their Curves line they represent plus size model Ashley Graham, who they claim on their website is a size 10. That’ll be the day. Lying about your models’ sizes is setting an unhealthy standard in my opinion. Actual size 10’s should be offended. As you’d expect, they have one token model with a long nasty beard. How adventurous.

Size what?

Size what?

There is no better guy to sum up society in 2016 than Zach Miko. He’s obviously exceedingly confident. Imagine the self esteem somebody must have to pursue professional modeling when they’re not even in shape. He has a smelly beard, plays a bad guitar and thinks his cat photos are kitschy. He’s also drastically delusional about how interesting or unique being 6’6″ is. Apply that to the rest of his life. That being said, he certainly does represent something your average name brand shopper can identify with, in that he’s a narcissistic inauthentic tool being unwittingly exploited.

The modeling industry outwardly appears to be drifting towards relatability. Look, this guy’s kind of chubby, just like you! If the current trend continues, the most sought after models will paradoxically become the most average looking people on the planet. We should just do an overlapping composite sketch of all six billion people on earth and find the guy who most resembles it: 5’8″, 213 pounds, medium complection, slightly balding. Go out and sell some jeans.

Of course that will never happen, IMG knows there’s a demand for conscientious politicized stunt casting when it comes to models, so they’ll keep a few heavies on their roster to seem sympathetic and continue booking out the hot thin ones on a regular basis.

There have been Big & Tall models before, they just didn’t pretend they were saving the world. Not everyone needs to be thin, people come in all shapes and sizes and people have different preferences. But when was the last time you heard a thin person bragging about it? Enjoy the wings overfed Jesus.

You call this progress?

You call this progress?

 

 

 

 

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Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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