The Pope Is Cool With Kim Davis

It was recently confirmed by the pope’s spokesperson, not God but the real one, that he met privately with thrice divorced swashbuckling religious lunatic Kim Davis, who believes in the sanctity of marriage too much to do a job she took an oath, Under God, to do. How ironic.

Davis found God in 2011 after her third husband got sick of putting up with her and immediately stopped brushing her hair.

I love how activism and solidarity with various causes has now taken the form of specifically not doing things. I’m not going to shave my armpits because of male oppression. I’m not going to issue marriage licenses or groom myself because of Jesus.

I’m going to watch Netflix for the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

It was only a matter of time before we had lazy heroes, and so I’m no longer wearing pants to help out the pandas.

Davis inherited her position as County Clerk from her mother Jean W. Bailey. Different last name. Interesting. Does divorce run in your family or just an affinity for fried chicken?

Prior to her brave stance against other people’s civil rights receiving attention, Davis was a devout Democrat. She has now converted to Republican.

She really flies by the seat of her pants, which is typical among the mentally compromised as they can typically be swayed by a single line someone thought up to get money from them.

Some would admire her affinity for constantly having drastic life altering revelations, but I think people should get credit for staying the course. I’m a fan of reformed murderers who find Jesus way less than someone who never murders anyone or finds Jesus.

Davis’ church believes in “Living in the tradition of the apostles of Jesus”, which would presumably mean she is a liberal jewish woman who preaches acceptance, but somehow it just never works out that way.

Pope Francis had a limited amount of time available on his U.S. Summer Tour, and in deciding to meet with another ward of the infirm or god forbid a scientist or humanitarian or someone who is actually moving society in a positive direction – or the woman who hates the gays – he went with his gut.

The Church seemingly attempted to cover it up, and Francis has remained mum on the issue, only stating on the topic of Davis’ refusal to issue marriage licenses:

“It is a right. And if a person does not allow others to be a conscientious objector, he denies a right.”

Popes always get cute with this type of thing. It sounds better than just acknowledging your base is comprised of a certain percentage of deranged hateful brainwashed lunatics.

Following this line of circular reasoning, one could deny medication to a sick individual because they don’t agree with that person’s religion. Or take a stance of neutrality on something like The Holocaust, which the church did, making this utterance particularly distasteful.

Those aren’t particularly Catholic things to do, but popes don’t really believe in doing Catholic things, just talking about them.

Your rockstar demigod seems to be toeing the line between reasonable guy and obsolete glad-handing bigot sympathizer, playing both sides of the field.

Time to switch parties.

Then switch back again.

Smoke a pack of cigarettes for global warming.





Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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