There is No Royal Baby

I hate to break it to anyone who has been bombarded by news coverage of this royal baby, but there isn’t one.

You see, calling yourself royalty in this day and age is something that only a raging asshole would do, and I hate to bestow such qualities on a newborn baby, because I believe they are innocent to the ways of the world.

I’ve always felt that children should make up their own minds when it comes to explicit choices about their upbringing – be it any sort of ridiculous religion or religious hat, or any sort of major belief system.

The Amish believe that electricity is evil. It seems like a weird belief to me, and I would want my child to have a choice in the matter. I wouldn’t condone it otherwise.

As I wouldn’t condone, I don’t know, some sort of vague belief that GOD TOLD YOUR DIRECT ANCESTORS TO LOOT AND PILLAGE THEIR OWN PEOPLE AND THE REST OF THE WORLD for a thousand years or so, at which point everyone decided you could fuck yourself and you lost some wars, so then you got to do nothing except live in a big house and glorify the extravagance of your failed system and dress up in utterly ridiculous costumes?

It is psychotic. It is child abuse.

You’ve turned this baby into an asshole with your antiquated notion of humanity.

I know what you’re thinking:

Matt, the Royal Baby is going to have an easy life, he’ll be fine.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t the paparazzi basically kill this baby’s grandmother in a high speed chase?

Aren’t its parents acting as whores to the paparazzi as we speak?

Also, I hate to criticize this baby in any way, but if there were to be any such thing as a Royal Baby it would have much greater genetic diversity than this baby.

Royal Baby would be multi-cultural and have saved some people from a burning building or something.

This baby’s father is clearly inbred, and its mother may be as well given her family’s prominence in the British aristocracy (often inbred, you can tell by looking at them.)

This means that this baby could be at slightly greater risk of inheriting some recessive genes that could cause serious health problems.

Hopefully it will be fine.

But it is far from royal.

As are the ass clowns that gave birth to it.

 

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Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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