Did The Pope Perform A Miracle? 1


People are divided over whether Pope Francis performed a miracle when he kissed a vial of powdered blood supposedly containing that of St. Gennaro, who died in 305 A.D., and half of it liquified.

The blood is kept under lock and key and is brought out three times a year when it mysteriously liquifies although sometimes it doesn’t and people demand refunds for their tickets.

Theories range from the vial being magical, which is stupid, to you can buy this type of thing on Amazon next to the lava lamps.

I’m going to make a hard ruling on this: No Miracle. I happen to demand a lot from my miracles. You can go around kissing things and shaking them up and making spoons stick to your nose and winning 7-11 scratch off tickets but pretty much any human can do those things which makes them the opposite of miracles.

You can tote around a kit you bought with your magic wands and pull quarters out from behind your worshippers ears but at a certain point it’s just pathetic.

St. Joseph of Cupertino, nicknamed The Flying Saint, COULD FUCKING FLY! Joseph levitated himself in front of the pope and his flying was witnessed by thousands of people who were liars.

Another guy turned bread into human flesh. Technically Penn and Teller can do that but this was a thousand years ago when people were on average much more gullible. Then there are crying statues and magical paintings which are all more impressive than this lame blood liquefaction thing my seventh grade science teacher could pull off and his area of expertise was cross country.

Pope John Paul healed a woman of a brain aneurism when she clutched a magazine with his picture on it. He wasn’t even in the room! That’s talent.

The Catholic Church has yet to rule on whether Pope Francis indeed performed a miracle. We need to make our voices heard and make sure the Church is not going soft on miracles these days.

I want to see the pope fly or walk on water. I don’t even care if it’s fake. Half the people will believe it anyway. Even if he is clearly wearing a crotch-harnessed blow fan and a wing suit. It’s called faith. Gear up the pope and toss him out of a plane already. Let’s make things interesting. Think of the debates they’d have on Morning Joe if Francis base jumped off Devil’s Thumb and wing suited to the ground and delivered an impromptu mass. Before you call me crazy realize the pope has actually been wearing a wing suit around in public since his inauguration. I think we’re on the same page here.

Also I need not mention the amazing advances the world has made in pyrotechnics, prosthetics, puppetry, and acrobatics since 500 B.C.

Francis has the tools at his disposal. If he did something badass I’d consider converting. I’m sure those fools centuries ago knew people couldn’t fly. They just wanted something to believe in. I’m considering believing Francis was a member of Creedence, for example. 

Make your voices heard and please submit any ideas for the pope so we can make sure his future miracles are ones to remember and not this paltry nonsense. You’re a superstar start acting like it.



Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

One comment on “Did The Pope Perform A Miracle?

  1. Reply Billy Mar 25,2015 7:37 am

    Interesting commentary and spot on. Last sentense is key!

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