I recently read an article about a movement pushing for the right for Catholic Priests to marry.
I had assumed this movement wanted Catholic Priests to be able to marry women, which is absurd, because everyone knows that priests are either asexual, homosexual or pedophiles. Hence their decision to enter a profession during their sexual prime which conveniently forbade them from dating or having sex with women, as well as served as a built in barrier to the prying questions of relatives, such as:
Hey, weird guy on the couch not interested in the football game, how come you are 18 years old and don’t seem interested in women? Or men for that matter? Do you realize that’s highly abnormal? We should get you to a doctor asap because it seems that you some sort of hormone deficiency which could really effect your central nervous system if it goes untreated, as well as your reproductive system, although that doesn’t seem too concerning…
Then I realized that I was thinking about this too narrowly. Since gay marriage is now legal in 17 states and soon to be more, these people must be suggesting that priests marry other gay guys. To me, that seemed like an excellent idea, because it would serve to weed out a lot of the harmless repressed homosexual priests from the pedophiles.
Of course, it seems highly possible that pedophile priests would just begin marrying each other under the auspices of being gay so that they would look less like pedophiles, so I would suggest that there be some sort of test that priests should have to take if they decide to marry each other, which would ask very intimate and specific questions regarding the gay sex that they were having with each other to prove that they were actually gay, like how immigrants have to answer questions about the Constitution, although this will inevitably lead to conversations like:
I’m just not willing to believe that super old obese priest is fucking that hot Brad Pitt looking priest.
Who needs that?
Upon further consideration I realized that this was too good to be true. The Catholic Church would never let Priests marry men, after all, they literally hate gay people! In fact, they are so opposed to the idea of homosexuality that Pope Benedict (not his real name) had to resign because he found out that a ton of gay Priests and Bishops in their frilly robes and gay hats had turned the Vatican into a bathhouse full of gay holy sex. For the Church, this was too much, although it was already aware that Benedict had decided not to punish or acknowledge the transgressions of a priest who they knew had molested over 200 boys and because of their lack of action probably went on to molest more, but what’s the big fucking deal about that? That’s what Pope’s do. If you don’t like the Church’s policies about not covering up sex abuse scandals and not being able to fish on Friday then get the fuck out!
Either way, its a step in the right direction to discuss the marriage of priests, and although the business about them marrying women is completely ridiculous, it should further the discussion and could possibly lead to priest on priest marriage, which would be an improvement over the current situation.
Also, it might be a good idea for priests to have to wear cameras, like some police departments are now doing, as they’d be less likely to commit illegal acts.