donald trump Archives - Matt Ralston's Blog

Trump Staffers Instructed to Return Gifts

Dec

24

2020

On Tuesday White House staffers were sent an email explaining to them how they should go about getting the fuck out of the White House. They need to clean their microwaves, for example, and scraping the bean-and-cheese burrito filling off of that soiled glass plate may prove their most lasting achievement. In keeping with the ...

Republicans Officially Either Stupid or Racist

Nov

19

2020

I’m not all about healing the political divide. Not right now, as Donald Trump and his goons are actively plotting to steal an election, which Donald Trump lost, badly, making him, in his third grade schoolyard bully vernacular, a stupid loser. You would think you’d have an issue with your candidate and the majority of ...

Ranking the Types of Republicans

Oct

9

2020

Political scientists recognize that of the millions of registered Republicans in the United States there are two main subsets: White Collar Criminals and The Illiterate. Yet of these two groups many subspecies exist, and this study uses random sampling from several Klan rallies and superspreader swingers parties as well as Black Friday 2001 to rank ...

How to Refer to a Family Member Who Is A Racist Piece of Shit Such as Donald Trump

Aug

29

2020

We all have that one family member who likes to constantly talk shit about minorities right? Come on, you know, that one uncle, or that one father or husband you have who constantly says and tweets racist sentiments and willfully employs many white-supremacists? You don’t? Oh, cool. Me either. I guess I count myself lucky ...

Why Republicans Are Allowed to Suck at their Jobs

Aug

24

2020

Louis DeJoy, a Republican fundraiser who was appointed Posmaster General in a successful conspiracy to cripple the postal service in a voter-suppression effort, sucks at his job. He sucks at his job so much that he has been the Postmaster General for a month, and he doesn’t know incredibly basic aspects of the postal service, ...

What The Left And Right Can Learn From Quantum Theory 2

Nov

28

2016

The new film Arrival touches on a basic theory of time, that it is never ending, or circular. The circle could be seen as a metaphor, but if you read Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time he explains that on a long enough plane, time can theoretically bend back onto itself due to the ...

Why Isn’t Election Night More Violent?

Oct

27

2016

Presidential Election Day in America is not statistically more violent than the same day in non-election years. That’s troubling. I mean, it’s good that people don’t flip out and act crazy, but if the low voter turnout doesn’t doesn’t signify our apathy or that we’ve been beaten into submission, shouldn’t our docile and obedient nature on this day? ...

Rufus Gifford Jumps The Shark To Idiocracy

Oct

2

2016

Around the time Donald Trump became the Republican nominee for President of the United States, many of the clever and astute among us remarked that the 2006 film Idiocracy was in essence becoming reality. The movie’s theme is that of a dystopian future wherein people become hopelessly dependent on technology and the species regresses to the point that the ...

Can We Just Admit Twitter Sucks And Move On? 6

Jun

10

2016

Now that the novelty has worn off and its role in society is clearly defined as useless can we acknowledge that Twitter is a trash heap of wasted time populated exclusively by 1) self promoters 2) often psychotic idiots arguing with each other and 3) people sharing banal anecdotes about their uneventful lives. A few statistics ...

Donald Trump Is The Ultimate Republican

Jun

6

2016

He’s a racist and bigot and embodies entitlement. He demonizes the term Socialism while directly benefiting from it in his business dealings. He has a mail order bride and exhibits outwardly homosexual traits while disavowing the gay community. Sound familiar? Donald Trump is the Republican nominee because Donald Trump is the ultimate Republican. There was no ...