Political scientists recognize that of the millions of registered Republicans in the United States there are two main subsets: White Collar Criminals and The Illiterate.
Yet of these two groups many subspecies exist, and this study uses random sampling from several Klan rallies and superspreader swingers parties as well as Black Friday 2001 to rank each specific phenotype in descending order of commonality.
Lee Jeans Guy – Product of amicable divorce. Remarks constantly that he hasn’t shaved for a week then shows up to a darts tournament with a garbage goatee. Enjoys the outdoors, as in pissing outdoors. Doesn’t really trust either side. This is the extent of his political discourse. It makes you wonder why this stupid fucker is affiliated with a major political party if that’s the case. The U-shaped inseam allows for extra comfort. Likes hockey okay. Man Cave under permanent construction.
Oxygen Tank Lady – Generally embittered and wheezy. A large collection of strip club T-shirts and history of dating felonious bikers. Requests the high contrast dye-job where the roots are showing. Cannot find her dog. Her family has been in America for generations yet somehow she has never met one of them.
Trailer Park Cryptocurrency Guy – High school dropout and connoisseur of synthetic marijuana. Generally contrarian prick. He believes the MTV Movie Awards were faked and that his stash of Ethereum will someday finance a new dirt bike. Aspires to be rich enough to get away with actually pissing on his neighbor with the clubfoot. Used to drink the mercury from the abandoned thermometer factory down yonder. Doesn’t trust The New York Times. Trusts his friend Bo with the zirconia earrings instead.
Collegiate Rapist Guy – This group encompasses most members of the alt-right. They wear polo shirts and their dad has a boat that sits in the driveway and is never used. Capable of date rape if you want to join them at Buffalo Wild Wings later. Oddly obsessed with their male friends’ genitals. Many are incels who aspire to one day kill a drifter. Boat shoes are common, as are bibs while dining on shellfish and calling their moms to load more money onto their Dave & Busters card. Some are the children of billionaires who stuck them on a train to Dartmouth when they were nine.
Practicing Orthodontist Golfer Guy – This guy is actually tolerable. He fits into a specific tax bracket which has led him to vote Republican. He doesn’t want to talk about it but will gladly pour you a scotch. Once yelled at the landscaper. The thin gold chain signifies prostitutes are welcome to approach.
Confused Gay Man – This guy is the same as the Jesus Guy, the difference being he actively patronizes sex shops where as Jesus Guy buys his nooses through his Amazon Prime account.
Straight-Up Psychopath Guy – Gun toting Christian militia members plotting actual terrorist attacks against the terrorists. The terrorists they speak of are upstanding members of the community who own a shawarma place in Dearborn and pay their taxes. They want to bring down the government yet are vague as to how this would impact their lawnmower repair shop which receives all kinds of grants. Were birthed at home and have received all of their haircuts there also. Still on MySpace.
The Inside Man – Miserable career politician who dreams of one day getting invited to the dance and swills copier toner to numb the pain.
Mentally Handicapped Apolitical Housewife aka Karen – This woman is a Proud Republican. She cannot tell you why because she’s more of a parrot than person. Will briefly remove her spit-hood to squawk when she’s being tasered at the Circle-K for harassing a black guy for walking his labradoodle.
Least Racist of his Friends Guy – This guy fancies himself the protagonist in an after school special because he looks at the ground solemnly shaking his head when his buddies release their weekly race-war manifesto.
The Robin Leach Guy – This utter dork is often not even white but Cuban or Israeli or something. Basically a guy who doesn’t understand American culture and thinks the definition of capitalism is being a dick to your waitress. He often stalls out his Lamborghini in traffic or simply never learned how to drive. Is the walking embodiment of what most guys thought was cool when they were six years old. Woefully insecure and inadequate. Donald Trump is one of these guys.
Rabid Herpetic Sorority Girl – This trashy skank, currently an alternate castmember on The Real Housewives, is self-loathing and lazy. So much so that she is willing to fuck one of the above guys in exchange for never working again and living in a big house with brittle cabinets that was bought on the showroom floor of Costco. Sometimes marries into actual wealth to a guy she hates and specifically requests the diamond be harvested by a one-armed Botswanian slave.
The Luddite – Some retired cop who never learned how to use the internet and hence watches Fox News and thinks gold is a cutting-edge investment along with the Transpacific Railroad. Remembers the good old days when the infant mortality rate was very high. His unfathomable lack of evolution often leads him to label himself something much more appealing such as an originalist or a traditionalist. In reality he’s the modern day equivalent of the last guy to ride a horse on the freeway.