Kevin Durant Needs A Dad

Kevin Durant’s dad left the family when he was an infant. Obviously. This is why you need a dad. Your dad tells you that when someone beats you, you get back up and fight harder. You don’t join the gang that beat you. That’s why we have gangs and wars and sing the national anthem before sporting events for no apparent reason. We need strong male figures and for the Marines to pay the NFL to advertise propaganda.

We need guys with bad accents to espouse the virtues of their various countries.

And we in turn need those guys to kill each other so that people can make billions of dollars.

It’s a great system.

Even in pickup ball, if the other team beats you the inclination is to run it back. You don’t join the team that beat you, because for better or worse other guys will call you a bitch. Kevin Durant is a bitch.

I wouldn’t enjoy playing with Russell Westbrook either. His resting look makes it clear he’s a psychopath and every dude that’s into fashion¬†has killed a hooker.

But Westbrook’s ballhogging probably exists in part because Durant is such a pussy. Durant is a better player. Yet he never called out Westbrook for taking so many bad shots while wearing a mask from The Purge.

Durant is a great player but he’s not an alpha. He did not have a male dog to raise him. He was raised by his grandmother.

And it shows.

Durant joining the Warriors makes perfect sense in 2016.

Hillary Clinton’s candidacy has been paid for by investment banks and television.

Both of those industries are hindered by Anti-Trust legislation.

The NBA, also.

Maybe the league should address this.

Hopefully you’re not a fan of competition, because it’s over.

It’s called capitalism.

The opposite of socialism.

Another way of saying it, price fixing.

That’s socialism for a select few.

Get these TSA agents some machine guns already.

Grow a pair Kevin.

And shave your fucking head already.

If you don’t root against the Warriors now, you’re an asshole.

That counts people from the Bay Area.

Either have an abortion or teach your kid how to be a man.

Otherwise he’ll turn out like Kevin Durant.

Only much, much poorer.


Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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