2015 - Page 2 of 6 - Matt Ralston's Blog

The My Buddy Doll Is Under Discussed

Nov

6

2015

I was trying to explain the My Buddy doll to a group of people who are younger than I am. This was a product advertised incessantly on children’s television programming in the mid to late 80’s, marketed to little boys who apparently needed a potato sack to carry around because they didn’t have any friends ...

Paul Ryan is Not a Real Man

Nov

5

2015

“I cannot and will not give up my family time.” Those are the words of Paul Ryan whilst throwing in his bargaining chips to negotiate the forgone conclusion that he’ll replace the corporate owned John Boehner, a joyless creep whose job was to bridge the interests of the CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies with everyone else ...

Why Professional Sports Need 2 Dimensional Field Altering Technology

Oct

23

2015

Most sports, at least the good ones, are the same game with minor variations: Basketball, football, soccer, hockey, lacrosse, tennis, rugby, etc – there is a goal at each end of a rectangular shaped field and you defend your end and score on the other. Most of these sports are horrendously boring and we need ...

I Don’t Think Stephen Hawking Wrote All His Books

Oct

14

2015

What do you think most about during the day? Women. They are a complete mystery. That was the answer Stephen Hawking, theoretical physicist, gave in a recent interview. Let’s be honest, nobody knows if he’s really doing anything. You and I haven’t read his books and his language is shrouded in scientific mumbo jumbo. He’s a professor ...

Cecil The Lion Deemed More Important Than Brown People

Oct

12

2015

I found it troubling that I noticed roughly ten times as many posts on my social media accounts about a dead lion than about a U.S. airstrike in Afghanistan which took out a hospital run by Doctors Without Borders (internationally known as Médecins Sans Frontières), which is a humanitarian organization devoted to providing medical aid to ...

The Pope Is Cool With Kim Davis

Sep

30

2015

It was recently confirmed by the pope’s spokesperson, not God but the real one, that he met privately with thrice divorced swashbuckling religious lunatic Kim Davis, who believes in the sanctity of marriage too much to do a job she took an oath, Under God, to do. How ironic. Davis found God in 2011 after her third ...

Let’s Stop Kissing Pope Francis’ Ass Now

Sep

26

2015

I’m tired of hearing about how great Pope Francis is because he says things that sound halfway reasonable and acts like he’s a fucking revolutionary. What kind of bar has the Catholic church set? You don’t think gay people are going to hell? Everyone already knew that, you old fuck. Aren’t you the figurehead of ...

Dr. Drew Is Hawking Bulletproof Bullshit

Sep

23

2015

Bulletproof Coffee is the brainchild of Dave Asprey, a talented entrepreneur whose rabid enthusiasm for promotion is necessitated by the fact that his product is benignly stupid. Asprey claims to have research proving Bulletproof Coffee can reduce inflammation, lead to weight loss, and improve brain function and concentration. He says his coffee beans are low in mycotoxins, which according ...

The NFL’s Ridiculous American Flag Display Devours Itself

Sep

15

2015

I was watching Monday Night Football and prior to the game for reasons unknown a bunch of people trotted out a giant American flag which covered the entire football field, an obnoxious display intended to prove the NFL is more American than any other American thing in America. The reasoning behind public displays of patriotism at ...

YouTube’s Fat Ass Double Standard

Sep

11

2015

YouTube recently booted comedian Nicole Arbour from their site because her video entitled Dear Fat People was deemed as bullying and fat shaming. Although the video was presented in an annoying aspiring actressy manner and was certainly mean spirited, it would be hard to argue with most of Arbour’s points – namely that severely overweight ...