Matt Ralston

Buying Shit Is Not Activism

Mar

10

2017

Millennials have embraced cause-related marketing like no previous generation. This is when a company pulls the heart strings of a consumer to manipulate them into thinking that they’re not just buying shoes, they’re doing something to help people too. It’s tying the company to a specific cause. For every pair of shoes Toms sells, they give a ...

Lamentations on the Big and Tall Section 4

Feb

22

2017

I’m a fairly tall guy. Six feet four inches tall to be exact. Above average. Height has no doubt afforded me a few advantages in life, such as being able to see at concerts and sometimes curry favor with women who would be otherwise out of my league. When I am in public height does ...

The Trump’s Hair Is Telling 1

Feb

17

2017

You can tell a lot about a man by his hair. In the case of Donald Trump, you can tell he is gross, artificial, insecure, ostentatious, and that he is prone to making bad decisions, based on his hair. You can also tell that he is a liar, based on his explanation of what the ...

Ian Hans Lichterman, The Nazi Cop

Feb

7

2017

Whenever a cop shoots an unarmed black guy or pepper sprays a line of peaceful protestors, the default response is a variation of “There are a few bad apples, most cops are hardworking good people.” The ones that I’ve met have been, by and large, total dick bags. Puffing their chests out, parading around the ...

Muslim American Exceptionalism? 1

Feb

1

2017

People are protesting Trump’s so called Muslim Ban in huge numbers. It’s been labeled a Muslim Ban because that’s exactly what it is, and don’t pretend you think otherwise. This executive order is dubiously constitutional, but fascism is now on the pink scale, wait until it hits red. When it does, I predict nothing will ...

Aurora Energy’s Lies Condensed

Jan

27

2017

I grew up in Fairbanks Alaska on the Chena River, a few miles downriver from the Chena Power Plant, which is a coal burning power plant. It is owned by a company called Aurora Energy LLC, which is owned by Usibelli Coal. They are traded on the NYSE. This power plant is destroying the river ...

Hunter S. Thompson 2017 Would Be Way Lamer

Jan

24

2017

Imagine Hunter S. Thompson, in the prime of his writing career, transported Encino Man style to 2017. Thompson was America’s last and almost certainly final literary celebrity. Gone are the days when writers such as Truman Capote, Mark Twain, or Jack Kerouac were household names. Today’s New York Times Best Seller List is comprised mostly of ...

Neil Diamond The Most Meta

Jan

13

2017

This is Neil Diamond singing Sweet Caroline at a fundraiser for his alma mater high school in Brooklyn. First off, mad respect. I have often wondered how Neil Diamond feels about Sweet Caroline being the de facto bad karaoke joint. The song is an ubiquitous punchline for describing a meatless song. There don’t appear to be ...

I Just Broke Professional Darts

Jan

2

2017

The above video demonstrates a technique of dart throwing which I have pioneered, called Dart Dunking. Dart Dunking – A method of dart “throwing” in which the participant jumps from behind the dart throwing line and places or slams the dart onto the board before his or her feet hit the ground. Much like in basketball, in ...

LeBron James Is The Problem

Dec

22

2016

LeBron James posed for a Sports Illustrated cover after winning their gender neutral Sportsperson of the Year award, and if you look closely at his lapel you’ll see a big safety pin that his assistant ordered on Amazon. Most likely he ordered many different types so LeBron could choose which one would look the best ...