Don’t Judge Crackheads 3

Crackhead? 

I was having lunch at a restaurant recently and went outside to make a phone call. As I was standing on the street I saw a woman in a trench coat, bony knees sticking out, weird lipstick, cupping her hands and pressing her face against the tinted glass of a locked car to see what was inside. I immediately surmised this was a crackhead trying to steal something so I said,

What are you doing? Why are you looking in that car?

Then she said,

I left my cigarettes in there. What business of yours is it? Are you making a judgement on my appearance?

She actually said it like that.  

I shrugged indicating I wasn’t sure. The performance was convincing, she seemed genuinely aghast, but if I was a crackhead I’d have done the same thing.

Then she walked away from the car and directly into the respectable restaurant I’d been in, and when I returned I saw her seated at a table next to a normal non-cracky looking dude. I felt terrible. What if this woman just looks like a crackhead but isn’t on crack? I could have really hurt her feelings.

I still don’t see why she wouldn’t have brought her car keys to her car if she indeed owned it and opened the door to look for cigarettes, and looking for cigarettes is crackhead behavior anyway. She could have been a prostitute and the guy didn’t trust her with the keys. Who knows. But I’m going to assume I was wrong, and I felt bad about it.

My point is, maybe a lot of people we assume are crackheads just have bony crackhead style faces.

I’m sure at least once some guy has come into work late a few times, management had a little chat, and they just fired him because they figured he was a crackhead.

What is he supposed to do?

No, you don’t understand! I just have these shallow set eyes that bulge out and my cheek bones are high! I’m just a thin man, I had problems putting on weight as a teen!

Lets talk about the physical characteristics of a crackhead:

1) Bulging eyes.

2) Skinny

3) Bony face

4) Bad makeup and/or wardrobe

5) Stringy hair

6) Bruises

7) Bad skin/Insane Clown Posse tattoo

8) Creeps people out on street.

9) Creeps people out in nightclubs.

10) Owns a jacuzzi.

Lets say Lindsay Lohan and Reese Witherspoon did the same metric ton of crack. I think one would look like more of a crackhead than the other. Isn’t it possible Lohan is just prone to bruising due to genetics, and is just generally aging terribly?

She looks terrible!

She’s been famous since she was like 10! She’s aged?!?! 

Jack Nicholson has been a robust cokehead or crackhead for like 80 years, but you don’t hear much about it because he doesn’t look like a crackhead. Meanwhile Flavor Flav probably doesn’t even do crack, but is widely assumed to mainline crack out of used burrito foils.

Some people just look really weird.

Its not their fault.

Like people think I’m high on pot all the time.

What’s the point of this?

Nothing.

Good looking people can do whatever they want, including crack.

Just like you used to have had to be good looking to get a job at Hooters, attractiveness benefits those lucky enough to be blessed with it.

So before you pick up the pipe, take a good look in the mirror.