Gone Girl Sucks 2

Spoiler Alert: Gone Girl sucks. Its a movie about a crazy woman who thinks she is dirty and salacious because she bangs her husband. Her husband is Ben Affleck, played by Ben Affleck. He displays some serious acting chops as he is able to switch from being half pudgy to WWF roided out of his mind jacked intermittently throughout the movie. The film did not address that his character Nick Dunne was going to be portraying Batman shortly thereafter, but I think the audience was expected to fill that part in as they stirred their Ovaltine and rubbed Ben Gay on their swollen calves while they said something racist about Obama’s Kenyan dad.

In short, Affleck is the most inexplicably buff alcoholic in recent memory for roughly half of his time on screen.

The films lead character, Some Chick, is unhappy with her marriage and instead of leaving she decides to embark on a roughly four year conspiracy quest to bleed herself out and frame her husband for murder because the author of the novel the movie is based on watches a lot of daytime TV as evidenced by Nancy Grace having a lead role.

She also controls all the money in the relationship, so she’s not really dependent on Ben Affleck so much as melodrama. In short, nobody would ever do this.

You know how the guy Tonya Harding hired to club Nancy Kerrigan seemed like a crazy person? That’s because crazy people act like crazy people. The main crux of this film is that the Some Chick character is so deeply psychotic and manipulative that she dedicates five years of her life to seeming normal so she can get back at her husband for cheating on her with a twelve year old he inexplicably knows instead of simply divorcing him and ruining him financially like regular women do.

If anyone was actually crazy enough to do this, you’d know they were crazy on sight. You know at least one person who, if they were accused of murder, you’d say “Yeah that sounds about right.” Crazy people don’t think in terms of plot lines. They’re just crazy and everyone knows it. This chick is both not crazy and crazy, which is impossible.

Once this poor rendition of a crazy person leaves her husband she ends up shacking up with a gay man who is in love with her. The gay man’s character is infinitely gayer than the actor who plays the gay man, Neil Patrick Harris, who is a gay man. The gay man’s character is actually not gay in the movie. The gay man’s character is very regal and represents an outward picture of the perfect companion to bored housewives who want to marry Neil Patrick Harris and don’t believe the gay rumors. They also don’t question why their husband goes to the gym everyday and remains overweight while he gets blown behind his favorite bush at the park.

Then Tyler Perry comes into the mix. This movie is so frighteningly horrible that Tyler Perry doesn’t bring it down. This means the established standard this movie sets is worse than a Tyler Perry movie, and Tyler Perry movies are what terrorists use to learn English when they threaten America.

At some point the Some Chick character kills Neil Patrick harris and is taken to a hospital because she claims she was raped after she disgustingly violates herself with a wine bottle which was hard to laugh at but you kind of have to because of the ham fisted nature of it. There is nothing inherently funny about it, but the overbearing plea for me to feel some emotion leads to only one option. Look at it another way. I don’t think women being punched is funny or ever justified, yet if the author of this book started punching herself in the face I would laugh my ass off. This is what happened here.

Then the Some Chick character goes to the hospital and nobody washes the murder blood off of her afterwards. Then, in a move that should offend everyone in the world, nobody investigates the murder. In the first scene of the movie a detective comes to Ben Affleck’s house because his wife has been missing for two hours. Anyone familiar with police procedure or basic life outside of a chain store ghost town knows this is completely unrealistic. Then, towards the end of the six hour movie, these same overzealous detectives do not investigate a rape and homicide but just take Some Girl’s word for it. It almost seems inconsistent.

Then Affleck and the Chick stay married because the moral of the story is that people in marriages hate each other, which I already knew. Avoid this movie unless you find Tyler Perry’s work to be too heady or think the idea of two married people fucking each other is raunchy.

Also if you are a movie critic you should probably go see and review this movie in an overwhelmingly positive fashion because you will be given a free cruise voucher in exchange for your dignity.