Matt Ralston's Blog

Why I Am Hating On Kevin Durant 6

Jun

14

2017

Kevin Durant joining the Golden State Warriors and subsequently winning a Championship bothered me. A lot. If you’re one of those simple people who thinks proclaiming two syllables of mom slang can parachute you out of a discussion, you will say to me, You’re just being a Hater. And then your face bill go blank ...

Tiger Woods And The Prescription Drug Patriarchy

Jun

1

2017

Tiger Woods issued a statement taking great pains to explain that he wasn’t drunk when he was found asleep in his smashed up car on the freeway. Well, that’s a relief. I would hate to think people under the influence of a drug strong enough to induce a mini coma were under the influence of alcohol. ...

What The Eskimos Can Teach Us About PC Culture 2

May

29

2017

A lot of my friends growing up were Eskimos. There aren’t a lot of people who can say that. I realize the term Eskimo has recently come under fire, as I have experienced first hand by a lot of heroic white people who have never met an Eskimo informing me that they prefer to be called Inuits now. ...

Why The Alt-Right Are Cowards, And Pussies 4

May

24

2017

Sometimes a photo speaks louder than words. These people, while standing in the White House and in front of a professional photographer, threw up gang signs signifying white supremacy. For a fact. Not much different than if Barack Obama had invited a group of representatives of the South Side Crips over to steal all of ...

State Of The Union 1

May

4

2017

The date is May 4, 2017. The president of the United States is a shitty reality show host with a poor vocabulary. He’s not a self made man, yet is incapable of realizing everyone’s dad didn’t give them ten million dollars. His wife is a Soviet Bloc prostitute. She lives in a building sporting his own ...

Brie Larson Making Change

Apr

28

2017

Brie Larson will be playing Captain Marvel in an upcoming film, likely to be followed by several shitty sequels. This makes Captain Marvel the first female Marvel character to have a stand-alone film, and comes on the heels of an upcoming Wonder Woman reboot. The general consensus is that we need more women playing superheroes. This ...

Face Wounds Becoming Overrated

Apr

20

2017

The face wound has long been a cinematic trope for illustrating physical harm. It’s symbolic of greater physical torment.We are to assume that for every cut or gash a person has on their face, that their entire being is suffering ten times over. Your face has a relatively small surface area, and in a combat situation ...

Becca Longo Proves Title IX A Total Hypocrisy 3

Apr

14

2017

Becca Longo, an 18 year old high school senior, just signed a letter of intent to play for Adams State University’s football team. It is believed she is the first female to earn a scholarship to play college football. I know what you’re thinking, no, she’s not going to be playing defensive end. Place kicker. You ...

Buying Shit Is Not Activism

Mar

10

2017

Millennials have embraced cause-related marketing like no previous generation. This is when a company pulls the heart strings of a consumer to manipulate them into thinking that they’re not just buying shoes, they’re doing something to help people too. It’s tying the company to a specific cause. For every pair of shoes Toms sells, they give a ...

Lamentations on the Big and Tall Section 4

Feb

22

2017

I’m a fairly tall guy. Six feet four inches tall to be exact. Above average. Height has no doubt afforded me a few advantages in life, such as being able to see at concerts and sometimes curry favor with women who would be otherwise out of my league. When I am in public height does ...