Matt Ralston's Blog

The Trump’s Hair Is Telling 1

Feb

17

2017

You can tell a lot about a man by his hair. In the case of Donald Trump, you can tell he is gross, artificial, insecure, ostentatious, and that he is prone to making bad decisions, based on his hair. You can also tell that he is a liar, based on his explanation of what the ...

Ian Hans Lichterman, The Nazi Cop

Feb

7

2017

Whenever a cop shoots an unarmed black guy or pepper sprays a line of peaceful protestors, the default response is a variation of “There are a few bad apples, most cops are hardworking good people.” The ones that I’ve met have been, by and large, total dick bags. Puffing their chests out, parading around the ...

Muslim American Exceptionalism? 1

Feb

1

2017

People are protesting Trump’s so called Muslim Ban in huge numbers. It’s been labeled a Muslim Ban because that’s exactly what it is, and don’t pretend you think otherwise. This executive order is dubiously constitutional, but fascism is now on the pink scale, wait until it hits red. When it does, I predict nothing will ...

Aurora Energy’s Lies Condensed

Jan

27

2017

I grew up in Fairbanks Alaska on the Chena River, a few miles downriver from the Chena Power Plant, which is a coal burning power plant. It is owned by a company called Aurora Energy LLC, which is owned by Usibelli Coal. They are traded on the NYSE. This power plant is destroying the river ...

Hunter S. Thompson 2017 Would Be Way Lamer

Jan

24

2017

Imagine Hunter S. Thompson, in the prime of his writing career, transported Encino Man style to 2017. Thompson was America’s last and almost certainly final literary celebrity. Gone are the days when writers such as Truman Capote, Mark Twain, or Jack Kerouac were household names. Today’s New York Times Best Seller List is comprised mostly of ...

Neil Diamond The Most Meta

Jan

13

2017

This is Neil Diamond singing Sweet Caroline at a fundraiser for his alma mater high school in Brooklyn. First off, mad respect. I have often wondered how Neil Diamond feels about Sweet Caroline being the de facto bad karaoke joint. The song is an ubiquitous punchline for describing a meatless song. There don’t appear to be ...

I Just Broke Professional Darts

Jan

2

2017

The above video demonstrates a technique of dart throwing which I have pioneered, called Dart Dunking. Dart Dunking – A method of dart “throwing” in which the participant jumps from behind the dart throwing line and places or slams the dart onto the board before his or her feet hit the ground. Much like in basketball, in ...

LeBron James Is The Problem

Dec

22

2016

LeBron James posed for a Sports Illustrated cover after winning their gender neutral Sportsperson of the Year award, and if you look closely at his lapel you’ll see a big safety pin that his assistant ordered on Amazon. Most likely he ordered many different types so LeBron could choose which one would look the best ...

What The Left And Right Can Learn From Quantum Theory 2

Nov

28

2016

The new film Arrival touches on a basic theory of time, that it is never ending, or circular. The circle could be seen as a metaphor, but if you read Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time he explains that on a long enough plane, time can theoretically bend back onto itself due to the ...

Drunk Razor Ramon Jumped The Shark

Nov

22

2016

We’ve had reality TV since the 1950’s, but the mid-nineties saw a shift towards celebrating the people you’d move away from at a party. The cast of MTV’s Real World got progressively less sober, sluttier, and more self-involved. People had always admired the status of people on television, but now they were jealous of people who ...