Matt Ralston's Blog

Who Is Ismael Dejesus? 1

Jul

10

2016

Ismael Dejesus filmed the infamous shootout scene during the Dallas shootings and then alerted CNN, where he described the events of the video on-air and then launched into an unsolicited and well articulated speech about how this was an act of terrorism and the police need to be better armed, and we need more gun ...

Kevin Durant Needs A Dad

Jul

4

2016

Kevin Durant’s dad left the family when he was an infant. Obviously. This is why you need a dad. Your dad tells you that when someone beats you, you get back up and fight harder. You don’t join the gang that beat you. That’s why we have gangs and wars and sing the national anthem ...

Calum McSwiggan’s Friends Wanted In 3

Jul

3

2016

It’s becoming apparent that Calum McSwiggans’ friends Melanie Murphy, Riyad Khalaf, and Doug Armstrong collaborated with him to perpetrate his fake hate crime in order to get material for their stupid ass Youtube channels. A quick refresher: Calum McSwiggan got drunk at a West Hollywood bar and said he was attacked by three men and ...

Calum McSwiggan Is The New Alexis Jones 2

Jun

30

2016

Calum McSwiggan is the second activist in recent months to fake an attack which would have just happened to be a watershed moment for his own career. These pathetic sociopaths are creating a sort of Hatred Industrial Complex, and by looking to capitalize on victimization are driving a vortex of distrust through the communities which ...

Why Feminists Ignored Being Forced To Sign Up For The Draft

Jun

18

2016

It’s official, starting in two years all women 18 years of age must register for Selective Services, meaning they can legally be forced to go spread Agent Orange and kill villages full of babies overseas or be sentenced to prison. There wasn’t any measurable response from the feminist movement. Mostly because it’s understood that the US ...

Can We Just Admit Twitter Sucks And Move On? 6

Jun

10

2016

Now that the novelty has worn off and its role in society is clearly defined as useless can we acknowledge that Twitter is a trash heap of wasted time populated exclusively by 1) self promoters 2) often psychotic idiots arguing with each other and 3) people sharing banal anecdotes about their uneventful lives. A few statistics ...

Donald Trump Is The Ultimate Republican

Jun

6

2016

He’s a racist and bigot and embodies entitlement. He demonizes the term Socialism while directly benefiting from it in his business dealings. He has a mail order bride and exhibits outwardly homosexual traits while disavowing the gay community. Sound familiar? Donald Trump is the Republican nominee because Donald Trump is the ultimate Republican. There was no ...

Harambe Was Not Your Boyfriend

Jun

2

2016

I’ve seen this photo plastered all over social media intimating the slaying of the noble giant Harambe. It reminds me of that super creepy Burt Reynolds pic where he’s laying naked on the bear rug. Who’s this gorilla playing third base for, I’m confused. Harambe didn’t pose for this photo, he was thinking about raping whoever took ...

Barry Bonds N Bomb Situation Raises So Many Questions 2

May

19

2016

This Barry Bonds Brentwood prep school N-bomb development is a veritable cornucopia of convoluted conflict, intertangling privilege and race and standing them all on their heads and lashing them with the whip of irony. For those unaware, Barry Bonds’ daughter attends a $27,000 a year prep school in Brentwood. Video recently surfaced of a bunch of ...

The Teams God Actually Roots For

May

12

2016

God doesn’t favor one team over the other as athletes often proclaim. He doesn’t care whether or not you caught the ball, he has wars to justify. Unless of course, he did care… Here are the teams God actually roots for! It seems tempting to think God would prefer underdogs but that’s not the case. The poorest people ...