Matt Ralston's Blog

So What Would It Take For You to Not Support Trump Anymore?

Dec

28

2017

As of this week Gallup lists Donald Trump’s approval rating at 37 percent. That is fascinating, and you have to wonder how that number could fathomably be anywhere above one percent. One percent would make sense, because there’s always That One Guy. You know the guy. Couldn’t pass algebra, drives a forklift or bartends at ...

Top Ten Pickup Lines For 2018

Dec

17

2017

If you are a dude and work in an office environment or any position where you have coworkers you are totally hating your life right now because you’re about one eyebrow raise away from being fired for sexual harassment. Your company doesn’t care whether or not your explanation is valid. An accusation from the intern ...

Al Franken and Democrat Martyrdome

Dec

13

2017

Last week 32 of the 46 Democrats in the Senate called for Al Franken to resign his seat following allegations of groping women and other improprieties, and he complied, but also made it a point to look really butt hurt. The allegations are as follows: Eleven years ago, before he was elected to the Senate, ...

How To Stop Holding In Football

Dec

4

2017

Holding. There’s nothing worse when you’re watching a football game than having a touchdown called back because an offensive lineman was called for holding on the play. Of the many annoying things about football the holding call is arguably the worst, because it appears to occur on most every down, and the whistling of it ...

Matt Lauer Finally Deserving Of A Remark

Dec

1

2017

Matt Lauer. Up until a few days ago the mention of that name, for the average American, inspired an almost remarkable non-reaction. Maybe that half second feeling you get when you hold a glass under an ice dispenser. Do you need ice in your water? Sure, why not. Although, you could certainly do without it. ...

Opinon: Stop Serving Lamar Odom Booze

Nov

9

2017

After Lamar Odom was seen collapsing while out for a night of drinking at Bootsy Bellows nightclub on the Sunset Strip I had a novel idea: maybe if you own or manage a bar, don’t give Lamar Odom any alcohol. This is for the both of your benefit. First of all he could easily die ...

Hillary Clinton And Donald Trump Must Get Married

Nov

5

2017

There has never been a stronger political divide in the history of America. You’re either firmly on the left or firmly on the right. There is no room for thought or reason anymore. Whatever you believe will be confirmed by FOX or MSNBC or Facebook or Twitter. Donald Trump is obviously corrupt. It appears his ...

Forrest Gump Had Us All Snowed 1

Oct

23

2017

Nobody wants to think about this and to my knowledge nobody has dared speak the words, but the epic and heartfelt film Forrest Gump was just an elaborate advertisement for a chain of mediocre tourist trap seafood restaurants. (A quick summary for those unfamiliar with the film: Forrest Gump is about a retarded guy who keeps ...

Weinstein is a Bad Guy, Child Rapists No Comment

Oct

13

2017

In light of the Harvey Weinstein saga, it may behoove us to recap the career of Victor Salva for some perspective. He is a man who has found steady work in Hollywood as a director. A brief history: In 1989, while on the set of his first feature length film entitled Clownhouse, Victor Silva recorded video ...

Why Is Nobody Racist Against The Russians? 1

Oct

1

2017

An honest question to Republicans: If there was mounting evidence that Russia interfered in a United States presidential election and conspired to discredit the Republican candidate, wouldn’t you all be talking a ton of shit about Russian Americans right now? Saying things like “Deport Them” or even being complacent with a ban Russian travel ban? ...