Let’s Arm Our Cities Against Ourselves

San Francisco is debuting a new UV coated paint that repels liquid in an attempt to get people to stop pissing on walls in the city. Apparently if you piss on a wall coated with this German engineered paint your piss will bounce off at a high rate of speed and you’ll get drenched in your own piss. This sounds like a Key & Peele sketch but it’s real. Booby trapping the city is apparently more convenient than building public bathrooms.

There is currently a police occupation of America and an increasing number of laws aimed at criminalizing acts such as picnics, which were on posters promoting tourism a few years ago, and generally deterring people from feeling comfortable in public should they spend a few hours without buying something.

Many cities have loitering (also known as standing around) laws, laws against sitting, laws against napping, and laws against throwing footballs or drinking beer on the beach. God willing, should justice prevail, saying hello to strange women will be soon be a misdemeanor. And of course, no eating in the park.

Anyone who goes out in public is now committing an infraction by the very act of stepping outside of their door. Need to sit down and rest for a minute? Move along. Why are you standing here? That’s a violation. That’s the way these laws are written, yet if you aren’t homeless you’ve more than likely not been hassled.

Clearly there’s an unwritten code and anyone matching a profile is subject to immediate infraction, preceded of course by a running of their record for a similar violation. So these laws make it easier to detain someone…

We all know how to spot homeless people by their weird athletic pants, face tans and cracked iPhones but the point is the legislation is on the books and enforcement is at the discretion of our men in blue who are increasingly behaving as hyper-aggressive dangerous fascists.

Ever have a bad hair day, walk out of a meeting and find yourself smoking a butt on a park bench? In that moment what would separate you from the homeless guy trying to bum one?

Maybe you took a day trip to the beach and you’ve got a backpack on. You set it down and lay in the sand for a minute. Are you an easy going granola or a methed out drifter? Depends on the officer. They seem reasonable. Let’s see where this goes.

City planners are increasingly making their communities more hostile towards humans in the name of creating a lifeless, sterile, totalitarian environment conducive to feeding the jails, the resources paid for by our own tax dollars. Spikes on the cement to deter people from sleeping. Purposefully uncomfortable park benches to discourage prolonged sitting. Metal studs on rails and walls to stop the threat that skateboarding poses to our freedom.

The Bill Graham Civic Auditorium, owned by the City of San Francisco, has begun blasting abrasive noise out of loudspeakers between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. to piss off the homeless people sleeping outside of it, which is super annoying if you’re a homeless person or if you own a six bedroom house in Marin County and happen to be in the general area seeking crack or a hummer.

These short sighted measures are a good alternative to addressing or even acknowledging the root problem of why there are so many people on the streets. Could it be the too-big-to-fail banks along with major corporations, with the blessings of government, have bankrupted America and the middle class is disappearing leading to an increase in unemployment, drug addiction and homelessness? That the Republicans who started the wars are also intent on cutting funding for veterans programs?

Maybe there’s an alternative explanation. Let’s hear it San Francisco, New York City, Manhattan Beach, Los Angeles, Denver… Some of the more liberal cities in America. Becoming increasingly combative with the less fortunate. Not coincidentally there’s a direct relationship between the specificity, and the fastidiousness of the enforcement, of these laws, property values, and the cost of living in these cities.

This is how fake progressives operate. Or possibly the doe eyed chardonnay crowd have been culled. Who knows.

It’s not enough to have an armed gestapo of thugs in uniform extracting revenue from our citizens for the quotas they’ve been handed. Sitting behind speed traps with their radar guns or feeding the jails by ticketing homeless people for laying down outside as if they have any other option.

Our cities must now look and feel militarized in an effort to match their increasingly unwelcoming facades. The activities we are permitted are naturally getting more specific as our liberties are in steady decline. Daydreaming is no longer constitutionally protected.

I love this trend, but I don’t think it’s gone far enough. I’d propose coating the sidewalks with hydrochloric acid to burn the feet of any derelicts not wearing shoes. A mist of concentrated syphilis to dust any public park after nightfall, pulverizing potential sex criminals or beer drinking teenagers. Installing some Max Max style steel spikes on our freeways that pop up and blow out all of your tires if you’re going over the speed limit. Some 1960’s style Birmingham fire hoses which will blast water into your face should you light up a cigarette on a sidewalk. A Google Car mounted with a flame thrower to torch your lawn if you sprinkle it past lunchtime. Setting up artillery bunkers at intersections to snipe jaywalkers. Roving bands of rabid wolves to sic anyone caught on a public street without their transponder which signifies proof of gainful employment.

These are just a few ideas. This country has got to get it’s act together. I’m really tired of people being out in public and screwing up our sense community.