I consider myself to be a good person, not that I’m perfect, but I try to treat other people with respect and not steal or cheat or involve myself in drive by shootings or ritual stabbings or terror plots or bigoted politics or Raiders fandom.
Maybe I’m not even a good person, I’m just not terrible.
I have no children. I’d say about half of the good people I know have children and the other half don’t, meaning my association with people skews more towards the childless than the national average, given that a frightening 81 percent of men and 87 percent of women will reproduce within their lifetimes.
I don’t think this is working out too well.
The other day I saw a guy hauling one of those stupid Bird scooters down the elevator from his apartment. He had a bike lock tied onto the handlebars. Immediately I realized that this guy rides his Bird scooter somewhere, and then locks it up.
Meanwhile, some other douchebag is on the Bird app looking for a scooter, and they find his, and it’s chained to a light pole, so this one guy just inconsiderately wastes everyone else’s time because it’s slightly more convenient for him.
That same day I was at Whole Foods and some woman was in the express lane with exactly fifteen items, but they were fifteen cases of different brands of beverages, so she had to scan fifteen giant boxes which took about ten minutes, and is not in the spirit of the rules of the express lane.
As she was in the middle of this she placed those divider sticks between her own items and informed the clerk that she was going to pay for a loaf of sourdough as a separate transaction, and I just yelled, mostly to myself but also to her “Oh, Jesus, fuck off!”
So there are those types of people, then there’s a slightly lower level encompassing the mail stealing meth guy, and then there are the people you see on the news who set up streaming video channels of them and their spouse sexually abusing their own children, or the serial rapist guy or the guy who breaks into random people’s houses and strangles them.
These people are all mostly leaning towards destitute, and there’s a whole other subset of the population who work for Monsanto and are tasked with denying that their products kill babies, bomb manufacturers, wall street types, and a host of other people who are paid handsomely to ruin the planet.
Almost all of these people will have children.
Meanwhile, my friend who is well educated, who is always there for anyone who needs him, who is generous and cares about the oceans, zero kids.
Beethoven, no kids. Isaac Newton, no kids. Susan B Anthony, no kids. Leonardo Da Vinci, no kids. George Clooney, a beloved entertainer, good genes, zero kids. Mama June Shannon, a less beloved entertainer, with not particularly good genes, who is a crackhead and exclusively dates pedophiles, four kids. 
Hassanal Bolkiah, better known as the Sultan of Brunei, well, he’s got this new policy he’s really into involving killing gay people by stoning them to death. He’s got twelve kids.
Donald Trump has five kids and ten grandchildren, so there will be a lot more people like him out there going forward, that’s exciting.
Tex Watson, who was part of that whole Manson brouhaha, and personally shot and stabbed seven people to death, has fathered four children. From prison.
Clearly this has left us in dire straits, and I don’t see how you could argue that horrible people aren’t out reproducing good people given the state of the world we find ourselves living in.
Worldwide, 16,000 children die of starvation every day. Close to a million die in wars every year. The United States, for example, started a war in Iraq and thus far they’ve killed about 1.2 million people, losing about 6,000 troops. The world’s richest one percent of people own 45 percent of all the money. Not because they worked hard, but because they have conspired to hold onto it while babies sleep in the streets. Catholicism, the world’s most popular religion, is a bonafide pederast ring. Kim Kardashian has fans who aspire to be vapid uneducated cunts.
This current world, and all of history, can be boiled down to the results of the actions of people who had children.
It’s not going too well and I think we need a better system.
It’s unclear what percentage of people who have kids are actually doing it on purpose. There are certainly the couples in their thirties who are trying to have children, which means they’re having a lot of robotic passionless sex while staring at star charts. Those people should not be having kids, because this endeavor seems to be purely ego driven, as if the world is pining for more shady timeshare salesmen or demonic Pepsi Co executives.
I think there’s actually a middle ground where people are just having dirty sex and are totally apathetic as to the result. These people usually find themselves in such shabby circumstances that their attitude is like, hey, I’m poor as shit and it can’t get any worse, may as well have sex again. I have formed this belief because, I get having the first kid, and the second, and the third, but why, please someone explain to me, did you have the twelfth fucking kid again? What compelled you? Please, I’m listening.
Internationally this manifests itself as the woman who lives in a dirt floored hut with her screaming children, domestically it’s usually a really dumb guy wearing a hat frontwards but at a crooked angle, sporting some sort of sports jersey or at least a chain with a pewter marijuana leaf on it, along with some dumbass chick who’s always complaining about her fucking sciatica, lugging their two car seats into an Uber to hit up the Sizzler. Their kids will break into your car around 2025.
Then, there are the people who think about it, and decide against it. I think part of why the world is so fucked up is that kids don’t grow up around these kinds of people.
Kids, listen to this, they grow up around people who had kids. But many of these people are either having kids for the wrong reason (narcissism), or are simply slaves to their own jeans and behave as monkeys who constantly humping each other, seemingly unaware of the end result.
That’s why, if you have kids, you should introduce them to some people who don’t have kids. Let them know it’s an option, and that their lives don’t have to end up being like the lives of all of the people in the world who have collectively shaped the world into the kind of place where people starve and faceless shameless liars have too much to eat, along with their thirteen kids.