I should start this off by acknowledging the obvious, that I’m super fucking white. I’m the color of a bottle of lotion. I’m whiter than mayonnaise on a croissant. That being said, growing up on the outskirts of nowhere, I also think I’m blacker than, say, the closet homosexual Scientologist Will Smith, and definitely his kid. I think it’s ignorant to say you can’t have an opinion on something if you aren’t part of that particular group. If that were the case, critics and consultants wouldn’t exist and we’d all be better off.
Straight Outta Compton was a really good movie. It’s also not the type of movie that wins awards, because the Oscars are traditionally dominated by movies about a guy with polio who was fucking Pocahontas. I noticed some fake outrage leading up to the Grammies about black people not being represented. Being whiter than egg salad strewn on the beach, I went ahead and watched the Grammies out of shear privilege. I’d calculate it was about 40 percent black and 60 percent white, flying in the face of the fact that the U.S. is about fifteen percent black, and so if you’re complaining about it you have too much time on your hands. I think that’s called privilege.
I also noticed that “Diversity” increasingly means black people and white people. I didn’t see one Korean person during my entire viewing of the Grammies, and I’m not sure what Bruno Mars is but he definitely doesn’t count as Latino although his record label probably does it for him.
Mexicans are about 15 percent of the population, and for any Republican readers, 15 percent of them are legal and go fuck your sister. According to a bunch of self interested corrupt charity websites, Asians make up about 115 percent of the population. Being the color of a ribbed condom, I’m going to say it’s actually around 10 percent. I’ve noticed given my experience with minorities that they actually watch movies and television shows specifically tailored to their demographic. Once I was ordering thai food and saw all the staff was obsessed with some bizarre television show featuring Thai people that was shot on a camcorder from the late 90’s. Not understanding the language, I observed that it was absolutely terrible. The same goes for telenovelas which all feature the same actor in a bee costume, and Tyler Perry’s pandering ass movies are fucking garbage as well. This isn’t an ethnocentric perspective. Some shit is better than other shit and Burger King is fucking disgusting. These are facts.
It seems minorities are prone to entertaining themselves via niche market. By definition, those productions are going to employ people who get paid less. That means worse lighting, worse writers, and worse actors by and large. You don’t see Denzel Washington taking the roll of Guy in a Shitty Wig in a Tyler Perry movie, because he’s better than that. Hence, being whiter than Bud Light and 80’s porn, I’m going to say that movies featuring mostly white people are actually better, because there are more white people in America than any other group, and people ultimately want to identify with the characters in movies. That’s why Mexican people watch those awful soap operas and the only Asian people I’ve ever met were obsessed with a state sponsored television serial.
It seems black people actually have a stronghold when it comes to the entertainment industry. Complaining about it seems mostly idiotic. If you want to pretend to be racially conscious, I’d go ahead and enquire why there’s not one Mexican or Chinese person in the room during the Oscars as Chris Rock is joking about racism to a room full of white and black people and nothing in between. It’s ironic because it almost feels completely simplified. Black and white. Morons understand that best and also take the bible literally. The uncomfortable truth is that it also makes sense. If you want to argue diversity go ahead and watch some Univision and come at me with a straight face. I feel a Rush Hour 4 coming.