As Fed Ex and Nike have done the market analysis and deemed that now is the most strategic time to pretend they are in any way concerned about civil rights or racism, they are now taking a viably far too late, impotent, non-courageous stand against the mascot of Washington D.C.’s football team, the repentantly named Redskins.
The opportunism of these corporations should not be celebrated. This is not a watershed moment. This is actually these corporations simply cowering to something they don’t believe in. Put another way – we can all assume they were aware of the situation prior to a few weeks ago. Yet they did nothing. They don’t respect people, they respect money.
Further evidence could be indicated by the fact that Nike, which did four billion dollars in sales in China last year, has remained mum on the situation in Hong Kong.
So, does this corporation, which is made up of people and therefore is a person, according to Republican judicial philosophy, care about other people, or Native Americans, or do they care about money? If you are on the board of either of these companies, you are complicit and you’re a horrible human being. Enjoy your pedicure. Hopefully you’ll die off soon.
Dan Snyder, the avowed Republican owner of the Redskins, who claims to be from a hardscrabble upbringing yet attended a private boys school in London – which makes him a phony and a liar – has vehemently resisted changing the racist name of the Redskins almost as a matter of principal.
These people have horridly fucked up priorities, obviously, but again, his steadfastness on the situation was likely a purely financially based. Unless he is a dedicated or casual racist, which is also highly likely.
That being said, I feel a tinge of sympathy for Snyder. Even though he can obviously not achieve an erection, had to purchase his wife, is privileged enough to destroy the environment with impunity, and owns a teams with a racist name which is seventy percent black while supporting a political party which is steadfastly against civil rights.
I just feel Snyder still deserves to own an NFL team with a really inappropriate name which stems from systematic oppression. That being said, he will have to change the name of the Redskins, it’s just gone too far. But, I have a solution:
Dan Snyder should be allowed to change the name of the Redskins to something that is racist or xenophobic, or generally fucked up, but that Nike won’t acknowledge for another 20 years.
This is the precedent the NFL and middle-class America has set, and I think it works out well for everybody. Clearly, Snyder deserves to be an unflappable bigot and NFL fans find this kind of thing charming, so I have come up with some ideas for the Redskins new team name, which should last long enough until Snyder dies of affluenza and they have to change it again.
1. The Washington Wall. Obviously people who chant “Build the wall” aren’t especially concerned with immigration policy. They’ve just been tricked into hating Mexicans while Republicans screw them over. The build the wall phrase will be considered ugly and uncouth a few years from now, so it’s a good time to make the most of it. Also Wall is a good mascot, as it alludes to an offensive or defensive line.
2. The Washington Gerry Manders. Another issue dear to D.C. area Republicans, this makes perfect sense. Many sports mascots are a character with an actual name, such as Chief Wahoo of the Cleveland Indians. The Redskins mascot will now be Gerry Manders, a gentile elderly gentleman who sits on the porch drinking lemonade.
3. The Washington Traffic. NFL sponsors such as Nike routinely benefit from cost-breaks associated with human trafficking. While the issue is routinely discussed, it hasn’t seen a mass movement. Traffic is also cool from a football team name perspective, as it implies a capable running game.
4. The Washington Execution. Even though the United States has executed several innocent people such as Cameron Todd Willingham and many, many black guys, it remains legal in many states, and Republicans are predictably in overwhelming favor of it because they are frighteningly craven assholes. As far as a team name, it doesn’t get any cooler – as it implies precision and adherence to a dedicated game plan. The logo should be a football strapped into an electric chair with lightening bolts coming off of it, which will sell especially well in rural Virginia.
5. The D.C. Snipers. This narrowly beat out the Washington LongRifles, which has a certain hollow historical and patriotic ring to it, which is popular in all sports. Most Americans are in favor of gun rights and also sensible gun control, whereas mainstream Republicans continue to support the right to illegally purchase a dozen firearms in one sitting at gun shows, presumably so they can jail young NFL players for carrying said guns in the off-season. It also speaks to a cool passing game.
These are just the suggestions I came up with off of the top of my head. If you have any others, tweet me @MatthewRalston