This is a person I grew up with in my hometown of Fairbanks Alaska where I was born and raised. Some readers may easily find out who I’m talking about, although I have changed the individual’s name for the purposes of him not tracking me down and killing me.
Since this person is so enigmatically awful, I have decided not to attempt to analyze him, and have instead elected to describe him through a series of facts of which may speak for themselves.
For the purposes of this story, I’ll just call him… Steve.
– Steve once referred to Kobe Bryant as a beautiful black man with conviction.
– Steve often stole money from his parents’ bedroom to buy pot.
– Steve was in love with a girl he briefly dated and then cheated on with a girl who worked at a Chinese restaurant.
– Last I heard, Steve was in jail for punching his baby’s mother. Steve has reproduced, thank the lord.
– Steve listened almost exclusively to a rapper named Tash’s solo album. Tash was part of a shitty rap group called The Alkaholiks, and his solo album was mediocre even in comparison to The Alkoholiks group work, which itself was extremely mediocre. It was always a mystery as to why Steve gravitated towards this album.
– I met a guy who had recently come to our high school who was from the same village as Steve. The guy was a village kid, so he was dressed pretty poorly and definitely didn’t fit in with the cool crowd. I shot some hoops with the guy, and he told me that he actually knew Steve from their village. A few days later I was walking with Steve into our high school, and Steve walked by the guy and pretended he didn’t know him.
– Steve would constantly ask you if he could simply have various possessions of yours.
– Steve, apparently having little tolerance for alcohol, would vomit violently every time he drank, and would refuse to even turn his head to excuse himself while doing so. It became very tiresome, as Steve drank very regularly.
– Steve was overly confident in his basketball ability – although I must admit that he was a pretty good player, just not as good as he thought. Although he was about 5’6″ and quite unathletic, Steve was extremely confident that he was going to have a solid NBA career.
– As of this writing, Steve has not yet made an NBA team.
– Steve thought that the U.S. invasion of Iraq was a really good idea, and in fact this is the only time I saw him exhibit any national pride whatsoever.
– Steve cursed out our high school basketball coach at halftime and was kicked off of the team. He then wrote a heartfelt letter asking for repentance, and I was personally glad to hear that he was still kicked off of the team regardless of his poorly written letter.
– Steve would try and speak like a black person when he talked to black people. Often times they’d be visibly annoyed.
– One time I was watching a George Carlin special with Steve, and he asked me if Carlin had memorized his entire act. The question still confuses me, as I don’t see what alternative Steve had imagined.
– Steve took creatine and, I believe, human growth hormone. He worked out a lot and was intermittently really buff and oddly fat. It did not look natural.
I don’t know why I’m still thinking about Steve.