Everyone knows that the best way to meet hot singles is to approach them in bars and ask them creepy rhetorical questions like they do in 80’s movies. If you are too dumb to think of any yourself, here are some suggestions that I wrote:
1) “Hey, you wouldn’t by chance work as a contractor for a tugboat company would you? Because if that is the case, in this scenario, I am a freighting company who needs several barges full of garbage towed from Manhattan to Fresh Kills Landfill on Staten Island. One of which contains recyclables and the other doesn’t, so, I guess you could say I MIGHT NEED A COUPLE OF TUG JOBS!”
2) “Hey, do you know the reason why my kidneys are shutting down? Oh, well that’s because when one is exposed to extreme temperatures for a prolonged period of time, the body’s heat regulating system begins to fail… Some of the first symptoms are dizziness, nausea, and rapid heartbeat – but more severe progression can lead to behavioral changes such as confusion or loss of inhibitions such as unchecked sexual aggression… SO I GUESS YOU COULD SAY, YOU’RE MAKING ME HOT!”
3) “Hey, you wouldn’t happen to be the Scientology pamphlet I read seven years ago which encouraged me to sign up for extended auditing classes in which I disclosed that I had in fact had a homosexual experience in college – at which point I was forced to continue to sign up for more classes to the point that I became financially ruined and the church started threatening to inform my direct family and friends and ruin my paltry acting career if I didn’t continue to provide them with free labor are you?… BECAUSE I THINK I AM FALLING FOR YOU.”
4) “You know, when the Social Security Administration was formed, it was widely speculated that this was not an act of benevolence on behalf of the U.S. government, but was in fact a transparent attempt to catalogue U.S. citizens in order to extract tax dollars from them. The same tactic has been used throughout history – in the Holocaust, and many other genocides and criminal conspiracies, assigning numbers to people serves to dehumanize them to the subservient drones carrying out the theft, rape, or murder. That being said CAN I HAVE YOUR NUMBER?”
5) “I feel like I grew up in war torn Afghanistan under various American and Soviet installed regimes which bankrupted my country and then kept all of the money to share amongst themselves… hungry, illiterate and confused, I feel as though I were then taken in by some religious extremists and shown the Quran for the first time. I was so hungry that I just went really hardcore into it and decided to consider blowing myself up in a public market… SO I GUESS YOU COULD SAY, I’D DIE FOR YOU.”
6) “Are you from California? Do you know Dave?”
MORE IN PART II
Classic. How do you think of these things????