Remember that real annoying thing that happened a few years back, which everyone isn’t quite asking “what the fuck?” about enough? I’m not talking about about Creed or My Big Fat Greek Wedding, I’m talking about Oprah. The aptly-titled The Oprah Show show was a constant source of annoyance for decent Americans between the years of 1947 and 2010. It featured a matinee who somehow had the ability to not have any opinions and still be wrong about everything. The show’s main audience were 3rd trimester diabetics and non-orgasmic women who fuck fat Republicans and found welling up tears to the objectified human interest stories on the show somehow cancelled out the corporate transgressions of their evil husbands who left them alone in their suburban Atlanta ticky-tack homes with unlimited tubs of ice-cream and told them to supervise the gardeners.
I was never a viewer of Oprah, but like most people I was subjected to watching her from time to time after Price is Right while I searched for a fuckable woman in her studio audience, never to be found. I first realized that Oprah’s audience was exquisitely stupid when I happened to catch the first five minutes of her opening segment several years back. The following is a non-arguable account of why her audience is complete garbage:
Oprah opened the show by reading some letters regarding the previous day’s show, which was entitled Oprah’s Favorite Things (penis not on the list.) On the previous show, Oprah had said that one of her favorite things (hint – not quinoa or diet soda) was a Bagel Cutter. You see, its a fairly accepted fact that in the United States, as far as specific injuries go, cutting bagels in half leads to more emergency room visits, as reported, than any other activity besides having a Bagel Cutter stuck up your ass. Oprah regurgitated this information and then proclaimed, for a significant commission obviously, that Bagel Cutters were one of her top five hundred favorite things. Now, this is all well and good. This is how TV works, and I’m sure a lot of fat single mothers with their roots showing stopped opening their stale bagels with chainsaws thanks to Oprah’s brilliant humanitarian effort.
The problem is that, mind you, the following is the first thing that Oprah said in her opening slumpy monologue in which she vacantly read cue cards and then went into the over-the-top cartoonish black woman voice when her she decided her confused white audience had to be prodded into fake laughing. So, Oprah said:
“We got so many letters about the Bagel Cutter segment. I can’t believe how many of y’all don’t know what a bagel is. Y’all don’t know what a bagel is? Its like a donut, but its not sweet, right?”
No further writing needed. Her audience was so sheltered and culturally fucked that they didn’t know what a bagel is. Now, I’m not saying you have to like bagels. I’m not saying you have to have ever purchased a bagel. But if you’re that fat, and don’t know what a bagel is, you’re a fucking zero, and it sucks that you’re having kids.
The more shows you’ve watched, the more you can extrapolate that example of utter ignorance.
I’m just glad she’s gone away.
She hasn’t gone away. She has her own channel. You sound like an idiot.
You missed the point of the article. You are a fucking moron.
I get the point of the article…but I have to agree with Quinn. You sound like an idiot. I’ve read a few of your articles and it just seems to be angry rambling about nothing. What’s the point of your blog? Is it supposed to be funny? Clever? I can tell you that it’s neither. I’d hate to have to sit through one your comedy shows.
What’s the point of anything really? Why even get up in the morning? What’s the point of life? You’re clearly a Philistine dullard who reads large quantities of things and can’t understand the point of them. Maybe you should try watching cartoons in your shitty apartment instead Mike.