Magic Johnson is a Real Piece of Shit

Magic Johnson always has a smile on his face. So do many sociopaths. It’s disarming yet extremely effective. It looks like a house routine. He belongs on a bottle of syrup.

Magic Johnson is an activist. Because he got HIV. It doesn’t seem like he had much of a choice in the matter. I never understood the hero narrative. So you fucked a bunch of women and probably dudes? Right on Mother Theresa.

Johnson’s wife Cookie has written a memoir about her life with her bionic husband. To give you an indication of how much of an asshole Magic Johnson is, when he found out he had HIV he called her and said:

“I’m coming home early because I have to tell you something.”

Nope, say it now. Half the time someone says that they sit you down and tell you we need fabric softener. It’s a dick move. Let’s also mention that they had been married for six weeks at the time and she was pregnant with her first child. What a fucking douchebag!

How’s that shit eating grin looking now?

According to Cookie, after delivering the message to her that he had HIV and she should probably get tested, Magic then locked himself in the bathroom and proceeded to call everyone he could think of who he had fucked without a condom, except for maybe Isaiah Thomas, and inform them that he may have exposed them.

What a guy! Let’s get him another TV deal. Sure he’s borderline retarded and talks at a snail’s pace and makes meandering incoherent points, but he’s smiling!

Cookie then goes onto explain that she lived in understandable fear and anxiety of her or her unborn child contracting HIV for the next few months, often waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat (which ironically is a symptom of HIV.)

In conclusion, she decided to stick with her man! Cue Oprah’s applause break. To me, that sounds like a weak move. This asshole deserved to be punched in the face.

Yet, much like nobody wants to admit that Magic Johnson got HIV due to his own reckless behavior, they’re also less willing to state the obvious: Cookie Johnson is a whore who has enjoyed never working a day in her life because her philandering husband who no doubt fucked her while HIV positive pays for her food, clothing, and shelter.

I would have left his ass!

No shit. But you have self respect. It appears the tone of her book is that of triumphing in the face of adversity. Buckling down. Love conquers all.

That’s not what I got from it. I got that you and your stupid ass husband are both deplorables. To the point one of you thinks having HIV makes them a fucking hero and the other that staying married to a cheating liar qualifies you for a You Go Girl!

I’m assuming nowhere in the book is the admission that wearing a condom is a great idea.

You two deserve each other.



Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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