Why the Lakers Suck

I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that the Lakers suck.  Their struggles have been discussed ad nauseam over talk radio waves, but nobody has accurately pinpointed exactly why the Lakers suck so badly.  Here are the main reasons.

1) Dwight Howard is a prick.  Like many NBA fans, I had always thought that Howard was a really nice guy, because he smiles a lot and works really hard to seem soft spoken and wholesome.  This includes a lot of references to Christianity, a group that has raped the world repeatedly since antiquity.  Being somewhat gullible I had always mistaken Howard’s constant aloof smiling as evidence that he is indeed a nice guy.

You know who else smiles constantly?  Total psychopaths.  James Holmes, the Aurora  theater shooter, smiled in all of his pictures.  Its not that hard to do.  While in Orlando, Howard negotiated a massive contract extension, then immediately demanded a trade, then lied about that, then had his coach fired, and lied about that, then claimed he wanted to stay, which was a lie.  Then he claimed he was ‘blackmailed’ into signing the contract extension – a word he clearly doesn’t know the meaning of, because he’s dumb.  Orlando was forced to trade him for basically nothing, essentially destroying the franchise for years to come.

He is a major reason that the Lakers suck.  His effort this season has been noticeably pouty and lame.  It reminds me of when I was twelve and my dad would ask me to wash his car.  I would do it, and do a painfully slow half-assed job of it, moping around with the sponge until he would come outside, disappointed, and tell me to ‘Not fucking worry about it.’  This is what the Lakers should do with Howard.  He’s too annoying to be worth it.

2.  Jim Buss is a trust-fund kid who has no business running a major sports team.  If there is one thing you need to know about Jim Buss, its that he is 6 foot 2, and once attended jockey school.  Only someone not paying their own bills would do something this asinine.  I’m not one to come down on someone because of fortunate circumstances – what’s he supposed to do, move into a studio apartment?

But the fact is that Buss’s handling of the Lakers coaching change is something that only an entitled trust-fund kid would do.  Buss essentially tricked Phil Jackson into thinking that he would take over head coaching duties, and then hired a less qualified coach.  Why did he do this?  Because he doesn’t like Phil Jackson banging his sister.  Only someone who never had to earn a dollar in his life would de-value his father’s business for personal reasons.  He should be replaced with a British orphan. He’s a major reason that the Lakers suck.

3. Kobe Bryant makes too much money.  Bryant is one of those guys that sportscasters like to characterize as willing to do “Anything to win.”  Whenever someone says that I tend to ask “Why don’t you not get paid?” I mean, if winning was really all you cared about…

Bryant’s contract is ridiculous.  He’s due to make nearly sixty million dollars over the next two years.  This completely hamstrings the Lakers, not really allowing them to sign any significant talent to assist Bryant, who will no doubt bitch and moan about not having any help.  You can’t have it both ways, and this is probably the main reason that the Lakers suck.


Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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