Rant Archives - Page 3 of 4 - Matt Ralston's Blog

Ariana Grande Just Piledrived America

Jul

8

2015

Ariana Grande is a ratchety midget who is signed to a major music label in their quest to appeal to pedophiles, that’s why she wears the cat ears. She’s also twelve and probably thinks they’re cool. She’s an idiot. Grande recently went to a donut shop with her genderqueer boyband reject do-rag wearing backup dancer boyfriend ...

What The Confederate Flag Really Means Now

Jul

2

2015

There are two sides to the debate over what the Confederate flag symbolizes. Republican types say it stands for pickup trucks, drinking beer in the sun, and boiled peanuts. This is clearly not the case and the early adopters of the Confederacy would have been appalled by your homoerotic tight jeaned country singers. The other side says ...

Let’s Start Check Shaming

May

19

2015

I can’t tell you how many times this has happened. I’m supposed to get a check in the mail for some work I did. It was supposed to arrive within two weeks and now it has been 17 days, meaning there is no possible way it was mailed on time. For the last week or so I’ve kept ...

Lyft Is So Hip

Jul

26

2014

You can tell how cool and hip Lyft is because their cars have mustaches and they misspell their name. They totally ‘Get It.’ Taking cabs is for squares. You are super indie if you take Lyft because you want to give your money to a cool, smart, innovative company, not to the establishment which lobbies ...

Worst Lyft Driver Ever 2

Jul

22

2014

I got a Lyft yesterday because I would rather they get harassed by the police. The driver was some crazed lunatic. He wouldn’t stop bothering me. He has a mental condition and should not be driving a car. At least he should have a car made for people with mental conditions like a Smart Car. That being said, he ...

Why Uber is Uber Lame 1

Jan

27

2014

Like many other gullible dullards, up until recently I had praised the app-based car service Uber as being a convenient alternative to taking a taxi cab – as most Los Angeles taxi cab companies seem to issue potential employees a questionnaire that seeks out who is most openly aggressive towards Americans and throw out the ...

Another Candidate for The Worst Person I’ve Ever Met

Oct

21

2013

This is a person I grew up with in my hometown of Fairbanks Alaska where I was born and raised. Some readers may easily find out who I’m talking about, although I have changed the individual’s name for the purposes of him not tracking me down and killing me. Since this person is so enigmatically ...

Why I’m Glad Oprah’s not Polluting the Airwaves Anymore 4

Mar

25

2013

Remember that real annoying thing that happened a few years back, which everyone isn’t quite asking “what the fuck?” about enough? I’m not talking about about Creed or My Big Fat Greek Wedding, I’m talking about Oprah. The aptly-titled The Oprah Show show was a constant source of annoyance for decent Americans between the years ...

Why Humans Destroy Everything 11

Mar

21

2013

Why do humans destroy everything they touch? The more I live on this planet, the more I’m surprised at how much humans suck, and I’m starting to think that humans are evil in general. Here are a few examples of how humans destroy societies with their selfish, short-sighted egos. Jesus, humans suck. 1) Humans on a daily basis, ...

We Need More Racial Slurs

Mar

18

2013

I was playing Words with Friends recently and, since I didn’t have many letters available, decided to make a play with a very basic word: Jew. To my great surprise, I was informed by the program that Jew was not a valid word. What? First of all, Jew is not a derogatory term. “The Jews ...