I have won money in my fantasy football league each of the only four seasons I have participated. And here’s my dirty little secret: I don’t really like football and I rarely watch it, but all of my friends are fervent fans of the game, which makes their losing to me quite pathetic.
This article is not about how to literally win your fantasy football league, although here’s my advice: For the most part follow the rankings unless a player is injured, getting too old, or plays for a team that doesn’t score much.
Guys who are really into football start thinking they’re Bill Belichik level football geniuses who are a hundred times smarter than the experts who get paid to make the fantasy rankings.
I’m not saying the rankings are foolproof, there are certainly egregious miscalculations, but hardcore football guys start believing their own bullshit and start taking sleepers in the third round or picking Ted Ginn or some guy you’ve never heard of over safe, reliable players.
A nine year old girl from the Szechuan province who’s never heard of Tom Brady would have a distinct advantage over some of these guys who get drunk and blab about Yards After Catch and never say anything about their families.
If you don’t know what you’re doing and mostly stick to the rankings you have a huge edge over these dingbats.
Also, only draft one running back, a really good one in the first or second round. There will always be a good fat ass available on waivers. Take a tight end in the third round because there are only like three good ones and the rest of them suck.
Spend the rest of your time loading up on receivers and don’t be the first guy to take a quarterback, but once someone does, get a top 5 guy.
But that is not the type of winning I am talking about. Here’s how you win your fantasy football league:
Make it clear that you have better shit to do than sit around watching football. When someone asks if you’re going to watch the late game, say something like, “No, I’m supposed to take this German girl out and she doesn’t really like football, I guess because she spent her teenage years modeling in Paris she never became a huge Packers fan. You guys have fun with your farting though.”
If you don’t have a date lined up that’s cool. Anything to contrast that your friends are going to be sitting around for an entire day – one of only seven days of the week, nearly fifteen percent of their waking hours, for the next five months, eating pizza dip, drinking stout and generally just getting noticeably fatter – will work.
Excursions into nature will really piss them off and make them think you’re an elitist douchebag.
Tell them you’d love to make it but you have to go mountain biking or cross country skiing, and that maybe you’ll stop by later but you’ve been on a vegan kick, and inquire if there’s anything suitable you could eat.
Then, actually go mountain biking. You’ll feel amazing.
If you’re not feeling outdoorsy that’s not a problem. Going with something pretentiously artsy.
Tell them you’re going to the restored historical theater to catch the new Noah Baumbach flick, that you want to see the new Roscoe installation at the MoMA, or that you’re busy with a clarinet lesson.
When it comes to your team name, choose something that’s incredibly lame and not funny or ironic, and preferably has nothing to do with football.
A few suggestions are IHeartCookies, GangnamStyle, Biden2020, or Matt’sAwesomeTeam. In sticking with the I’m above all of this theme, you could try something like TheUnbearableLightnessOfBreesing. Use your imagination.
Before the draft, ask a lot of embarrassing questions, such as “Is Brett Favre still good?” and “Who’s your punter going to be? I’ve got my eye on Michael Palardy.”
Now, this part is key – if you are winning your week, or after you win it, start talking a ton of shit to your opponent, but pepper in several purposeful errors to illustrate that you don’t know or care about football such as, “Wow dude, I can’t believe Odell Beckman dropped that pass. You are a real fucking idiot for taking him with the first overall pick. I bet your kids don’t love you.”
“It’s Odell Beckham you moron”, he will probably shoot back.
“Oh, huh, I thought it was Beckham, but I guess you really know football. You’re just jealous that Sabado Barkley is kicking your ass.”
This will make your friend feel like a real piece of shit, which is why many people elect to play fantasy football.
If you are in the running toward the middle of the season, start proposing incredibly lopsided trades such as Ezekiel Elliott for John Gruden.
If you make the playoffs, you should start watching the games with the other people in your league. Due to the palpable hatred of you, the intensity will be ratcheted up ten times over.
You’ll be able to feel the deep seated interest, the desperation, the passion, with every pass, every run – which is the entire point of fantasy football. You have done these guys a huge favor.
The good thing is that if you should happen to lose, you can act like you don’t give a shit.
Say something like “I hope the winner gives it to charity”, then start talking about the scourge of CTE and how Jerry Jones is a racist.
If you should win the league you are now immortal, but be humble and admit you were just fucking with them, you don’t want to get murdered.
Fantasy Football is a ruthless competition, psychological manipulation is key, and if you actually spend those Sundays, at least the first ten weeks, doing something productive, while really getting underneath everyone’s skin, then you have won your league, regardless of whether you actually win or not.