I don’t mean the people of San Diego, I like them, mostly. I like 80’s cover bands and steroids and dated tattoos and blaming unprovoked physical assault on the PTSD you sustained while watching South Park in your sprawling colonial emcampment while never being deployed.
I like white people. The kind who smile at you while making way too much eye contact while you’re at their pool. The kind whose only topic of conversation is where their daughter is going to college.
The kind who hire a DJ for their party as opposed to having a homie play their Spotify, and the kind who then dance in their off-red oxford shirt as you excuse yourself to pour another drink of their Kirkland vodka.
The kind who get to know you and then throw out a few racist euphemisms as chum.
The kind who live in their dead dad’s house.
I don’t mind a little bleachy coke.
Anyway, Duncan Hunter, brace yourself – he’s the son of Duncan Hunter – also a congressman, was recently indicted for spending his campaign contributions on lavish vacations for his garbage ass family, and I’m talking about him, his wife, and also, his kids.
Hundreds of thousands of dollars.
He was reelected, even though this was common knowledge to the electorate.
Do you know how arrogant and reckless you have to be in order to be caught stealing your own campaign money?
They all do it, they just don’t do it with that shit eating San Diego grin.
You’ve really got to be rubbing it in everyone’s faces, and why not, you’ll be reelected, because you’re surrounded by assholes who think music videos featuring speedboats are cool.
Hunter beat a guy named Ammar Campa-Najjar, a half Mexican, half Palestinian, American born guy from San Diego, or if you’re a Republican, picture Candyman pegging Freddy Krueger in your daughter’s dorm room.
She’s at Stanford right? Oh, Loyola? No, great school. Super great. Maybe if you didn’t buy her that SUV she would have studied instead of making lipsynching Drake on Snapchat all day.
Also Stanford may have seen her Facebook page.
What was that shit about the Klan?
Where’d she pick up on that?
Whatever. Your dad owned a cement company that was a front to launder rubles, why would I expect you to know shit about shit.
Democrats are so fucking annoying.
Nothing against Ammar Campa-Najjar, of whom these casual racist Republicans sent out robo-call propaganda accusing him of being in Al-Queda, which is par for the course.
But, are you about winning, or proving your point?
We get it, he’s super diverse. He has more hyphens than almost any living person.
Republicans are all about winning.
Their beliefs are dangerous, but they’re incredibly competent and effective at winning.
There is a crosswalk near my house that is incredibly dangerous. I live off of a very busy street, and people routinely get mowed down trying to cross the street.
As a motorist, you’re supposed to stop at a crosswalk, but what usually happens is, these morons who lug groceries around see a Range Rover, make eye contact with the car’s headlights, believe that the drunk socialite bitch behind the wheel who is texting her drug dealer has throughly read the pamphlet on pedestrian safety which the city of West Hollywood so admirably offers for free at City Hall, and then they die.
I had this girlfriend who would routinely, drunkenly, step in front of cars at this crosswalk in order to prove her point, which is that they were supposed to stop.
I said, would you rather just wait, or be right and dead?
The Democrats would rather be right and dead.
The could have simply nominated some other shitty white guy to run against Duncan Hunter, and won.
Let’s say the shitty white guy’s name was Dale Johnson.
All Dale Johnson would have to do to win this congressional seat would be to call himself Dale ‘Not Duncan Hunter’ Johnson, and it would be a real landslide, literally those houses on the cliffs would slide into the voting booths and give many voters wedgies.
Which leads me to my theory, as an elitist, a guy who was born and raised in Fairbanks, Alaska, the son of a teamster, a real one percenter – that people who vote Republican are bad people.
They’re either 1) stupid, 2) racist/xenophobic or 3) people who admire people who fuck other people over.
If you voted for Duncan Hunter, I assume you don’t self identify as stupid, or racist, because no racist considers themselves to be racist.
In the mind of a racist, they’re the most open minded people on the planet.
They’re also stupid.
But, eliminating those two of the three categories of the Republican electorate, didn’t most of the people who voted for Duncan Hunter do so because they kind of like how he’s a white collar criminal?
Outside of name recognition, which isn’t a conscious vote, what is the alternative?
The Republican douchebag, the guy who has a valet service for his party even though there is unlimited street parking, the guy who consciously voted for Duncan Hunter, admires people who steal other people’s money and get away with it.
There is no alternative argument here.
Please, guy who hires a hires a Guatemalan woman to open the foil on the catering dishes and stand there with a giant spoon when you could just as easily take a scoop of mashed potatoes yourself, realize, YOU ARE THE FUCKING SWAMP.
The scary thing is they’re proud of it, here’s Hunter upon being reelected while negotiating his plea:
“The voters of California’s 50th Congressional district have once again made it clear that their issues and priorities are consistent with my issues and priorities as their Representative. I am grateful and honored for the opportunity to continue serving them in Congress.”
He’s not lying.