Right now we’re at a point in time where half of all people will hate the president, no matter who he or she is or what actions they take.
If an actual saint, who spent her teenage years picking up trash on the highways, then became a Rhode’s Scholar and started a giant tech firm whose goal was to enable net neutrality, who then sold it for five billion dollars and gave all of the money to inner city youth programs and donated her presidential salary to war veterans, half of Americans would be like FUCK THIS BITCH!
If some caricature of an evil authoritarian dictator in a bloated empty suit who literally ran on killing poor people to make room for commercial real estate buildings became president, half of all Americans would be like GET ME ONE OF HIS HATS!
This is why I think we need a President who everyone hates – in order to help heal America, and mend our divide.
His positions would consist as follows:
I am pro abortion. As long as the child is fully grown!
I am in favor of the death penalty. Either by Arby’s food poisoning or stabbing with a Crucifix in the heart – it’s up to whoever’s on duty at the prison canteen that day!
We must stop the killing of innocent people at the hands of police, and have security guards start doing more of it!
I am in favor of increasing the education budget, but only at Harvard!
Our youth need more access to vegetables. And pornography!
We need to eliminate carbon emissions, but only on riding lawn mowers, jet skis, cruise ships, and roller coasters!
Clearly America cannot unite behind someone they like, as every president routinely hovers around fifty percent approval, but I believe they could unite behind someone they hate.
If everyone hated him, he would unite the country.
This leads me to my idea of having the president be a pedophile. (This isn’t entirely my idea, I either came up with it jointly with Lex Jurgen on our podcast Last Men on Earth, which you can listen to anywhere you get podcasts, or just directly stole it from him, I can’t remember.)
This might sound ridiculous but hear me out:
The President needs to be calm, calculated, and unflappable in order to get his job done. He needs to be able to operate covertly, wear many different hats, and cover his tracks when it comes to diplomatic relations.
We should not care about his personality, at all. He should be a super generic looking guy unable to be pointed out in a lineup. He should not have time to tell jokes or relay anecdotes, and should certainly not be someone you’d want to have a beer with.
He should not be on Twitter or doing rallies or fundraisers. No, he should keep to himself, mostly at a computer, and be highly, highly focused.
In this case, the president. The pedophile president who everyone hates. Then he can go back to being a pedophile. It’s for the greater good of the country.