I think it’s time to say what we’ve all been thinking – the UFC is becoming an organization full of fighters who are coddled, soft, and, honestly, not very tough.
Pussies, really.
The regimented nature of the competition has outlawed all of the most effective fighting moves, simply because the athletes can’t handle the punishment.
Frankly, I’m sick of the charade. Cue guy with a neo-Nazi tattoo and broccoflower ears at the tiki bar:
“These guys are warriors! They risk death every time they step into the octagon! And, these are the least homoerotic men in the universe!”
Wait, who said anything about that? I watched the Ferguson vs. Gaethje fight last week, and, while it did have its moments, it came off as incredibly tame and pedestrian.
This is because the UFC insists on a strict set of rules which severely limit the competition. To give you an example, the following tactics – encompassing all of the most surefire ways to win a fight – are currently illegal in the whitewashed, milquetoast version of mixed martial arts that the UFC currently represents:
Headbutting. Biting. Hair Pulling. Fish Hooking. Eye Gouging. Ball Punches. Hitting in Spine. Hitting in Back of Head. Pinching. Scratching. Stomping. Piledrivers.
So you call yourself the Ultimate Fighting Championship? Define the word ultimate. Does it mean that, in a sport predicated on a winning a fight, you can’t headbutt someone?
That’s like outlawing the dunk in basketball.
These guys are coming off as total prima donnas. I don’t know about you, but, if my life is actually on the line in a fight, I am going with a strategy of ball kicking, scratching, and biting, followed by my piledriver.
The UFC will never be a legitimate organization until it realizes that hand to hand combat knows no bounds. My great great grandfather was in Vietman, and his stories about fighting Charlie mostly revolve around spitting, headbutts, and foul language.
This is why I’m opening a fight camp in the delta of the San Gabriel Mountains.
No Chicks Allowed, but, we get back to the roots of fighting for survival – not for an easy payday.
We will begin every day sharpening our nails. Then we will do several hours of typing, flambeing, and circle jerk to strengthen our fingers before practicing eye poking.
We will then bring in some porn stars and work on hair pulling. Then it’s on to pinching.
This isn’t for the faint of heart. If you want to be a little bitch, train with the UFC guys.
But I plan to sanction some fights. I’ll take on any fighter. McGregor, Khabib, Ferguson, whoever, the offer is on the table.
Until then I consider their titles illegitimate, because they’re participating in a toned-down version of fighting, which bears almost no resemblance to fighting if your life is actually on the line.
No stomping. Waaaa. Does your pussy hurt?
It’s time to man up fellas. Do it for yourself, and for your country.