I recently watched the Kentucky Derby on television and was amazed at the fact that it only lasts two minutes. Seriously? The build-up was excruciatingly long. As far as I know, the only other entertainment present at the Derby to keep the spectators occupied before the race is a hat-parade. I’m assuming it is as lame as it sounds. The following are ways to improve the viewing experience:
1) Undercard Races. This is the most obvious thing that anybody has ever thought of. I think it would work best to have the warm-up races escalate by size of species. First, rabbits race around the track. Then beavers, followed by dogs, pandas, very large people (over 400 lbs) and then finally horses.
2) Just call off the entire thing.
3) The horses should get little stickers on their heads like they do in college football. One for every corporate felony the owners of the horse have received. That way you’ll know which horses to root against.
4) The horses should have tattoos, headbands, wristbands, and knee-braces like most other athletes.
5) You should be able to bet on the dick length of the horses.
6) An active ticker keeping track of how many times the N-Bomb is dropped within the confines of the racing facility.
7) They should bring out a horse and have him stand in front of a microphone while someone sings the Star Spangled Banner from underneath the bleachers and everyone can pretend that the horse is singing it. It makes sense if you think about it, people sing the anthem in human sports so why shouldn’t a horse do it at a horse race?
8) Why not just set a minimum weight for the jockeys, say 150 pounds, so that they aren’t incentivized to be all emaciated and deathly in appearance, because they really creep me out.
9) There should be a horse named Oh Boy! Oberto, Purina, Kibbles ‘n Bits, Kentucky Fried Dickin’, and Burger King.
10) Have Matthew Broderick get a piggy-back ride from Sarah Jessica Parker at some point.
11) Count how many times each jockey whips their horse and then have Sarah McLachlan ream the guy an equal amount of times with a strap-on.
12) Randomly assign an incarcerated felon to do a first-person live commentary representing each horse. Just hand out those headsets that people use for X-Box to prisoners, and let them fight over them. The toughest guys will obviously get them, at which point they can talk to each other from the perspectives of the horses. This will lead the horses to get into a huge fight-to-the-death race war, which has never before happened in history.
If only one of these ideas is implemented, the Derby will drastically improve. From really lame to better.