The NFL continues to soar in popularity – and I personally love the hard-nosed gridiron action, and more than anything else, I love NFL concussions.
NFL concussions are by far the most exciting single play in all of football. Nothing epitomizes the hard-hitting action of American football more than a guy temporarily losing consciousness and then developing a palsy later in life.
In an era where our athletes are mostly overpaid crybabies, its good to know that NFL players are still willing to permanently damage their brains for the love of the game. This is what football is about in its purest form.
A quick history of the NFL:
The NFL was started by Dick Butkus after he did a bunch of shots of stale beer near an inner-city Pittsburgh oil refinery during the great depression as he single handedly beat up a bunch of gay Viet Cong.
In the league’s early years of operation, NFL players were paid only in second hand meat pies and free showers.
Back then, the players didn’t wear helmets and were actually encouraged to play each game with a fresh head wound as part of good sportsmanship. They averaged thirty concussions per game and their lifespans were only nine years on average. There was none of this faggot hard-helmet bullshit, and the few pads the players did have were made mostly of roadkill.
Those were the good old days. Then, after a bunch of civil rights legislation and workers rights laws, the NFL (not to mention our steel mills) became way softer. Sadly, NFL concussions declined sharply.
The league now finds itself in a state of confusion. There are all kinds of rules that undermine the purity of the game. It is now illegal to lead with your head, for example, when making a tackle. The current NFL rules actually state that you have to backpedal slightly before tackling an opposing player, as if you went to shake their hand and they had halitosis.
The updated rules set to be enacted in 2015 will actually make it illegal to play football. This won’t have a huge effect on the popularity of the league, as the guys will just stand around on the grass in unnecessarily tight pants and I can still eat nachos.
The new “no football” rule is horrible for the purity of the game – although society as a whole has benefitted from a ninety percent drop in mass murders by shell-shocked encephalopathy achievers. One can’t help but wonder what could have become of Eastern Europe had Stalin focused on punting instead of left tackle.
Sadly, football’s days are as limited as the coal burning power plant. In the meantime, I’m going to soak up as many NFL concussions as possible and fuck chicks with huge tits who will give birth to many children.
God Bless the NFL. And God Bless America.