Why Uber is Uber Lame 1

Like many other gullible dullards, up until recently I had praised the app-based car service Uber as being a convenient alternative to taking a taxi cab – as most Los Angeles taxi cab companies seem to issue potential employees a questionnaire that seeks out who is most openly aggressive towards Americans and throw out the applications which don’t score high enough.

That is until last week, when I ordered an Uber car and received the following text message:

Your Uber is on its way! Due to peak hours, your car may cost 2 to 8 times the normal rate.

I’m sorry what? 2 to 8? This must be a mistake. 2 to 8 is not a thing. 2 to 8? If you told someone 2 to 8 in person they would be likely to spit in your face, hence the convenient anonymity of the cell phone.

Some quick math, just in case my readers are as slow as I am:

An average Uber ride is probably 26 dollars. 26 x 8 = $208.

208 dollars! Are you out of your fucking mind?

Much like that hot actress who you assume is also literate, Uber turned out too good to be true (She pays someone to dictate the scripts to her.)

Apparently I’m not the only one who cancelled my account in disgust, because word of people not being completely retarded trickled down to Uber’s C.E.O., who is this guy:

Ok, let me explain that this is not a news parody site, and I am not making jokes.

This guy is the C.E.O. of Uber.

This motherfucker.

Had I known that this guy was the C.E.O. of Uber, I would have cancelled my account much prior from them trying to steal money from me and hope I wouldn’t notice, because I have a rule: I don’t do business with people who have that guy’s face.

Anyway, this fucker explained that he understood why people would be pissed about their veiled attempt at thieving from their loyal customers, but that Uber wasn’t going to change their policies, because when you have this guy’s face, you sometimes disappoint people if you don’t behave like a raging asshole.

So, anyone who values money and humanity should cancel their Uber account immediately, and I suspect many have.

Soon, the only people left using Uber will be the uber unaware of shit, and people who can’t read text messages.

Uber used to be cool. You’d have a friend who ordered an Uber and be like this guy really has his finger on the pulse of society.

Now if I see someone in an Uber I just assume that they either masochistic, too dumb or intoxicated to read, or enjoy rewarding bad faces.