July 2013 - Matt Ralston's Blog

Can You Design Kickstarter’s Website for Free for a Chance to get a Kickstarter Campaign?

Jul

31

2013

Hi, this is Kickstarter. We are looking for a young entrepreneur to invest their time and effort towards designing Kickstarter’s next Web Site! Apply in person at Kickstarter Headquarters Basement, located in Manhattan. Bring some galoshes, over-the-counter rat-traps, an industrial toilet brush, two quarts of bleach, and a copy of your Collegiate Transcripts (Masters Degree preferred) stating ...

How to Save the Planet

Jul

27

2013

The following is a plan I’ve created to stop war, starvation, genocide, and the spread of curable disease. Here are the steps: 1) We open all borders. All of them. When this happens, a lot of people will be killed by people who are hungry, or just pissed that they were locked in a refugee ...

There is No Royal Baby

Jul

24

2013

I hate to break it to anyone who has been bombarded by news coverage of this royal baby, but there isn’t one. You see, calling yourself royalty in this day and age is something that only a raging asshole would do, and I hate to bestow such qualities on a newborn baby, because I believe ...

Is This The End?

Jul

23

2013

Meaning, I don’t see how much further it can go. This is the End has some good laughs, but it isn’t entertaining enough to overcome the stunningly audacious middle finger it is giving to its audience. For those of you who don’t know, the movie is set mostly in James Franco’s house during an impending apocalypse ...

Short, White, and to the Point

Jul

20

2013

Jeff Flake. Chris Coons. Jim Risch. Mark Kirk. Dan Coats. Rand Paul. Roy Blunt. Jack Reed. Tim Scott. John Thune. Ted Cruz. Mike Lee. Tim Kaine. Who are these people? Retired first basemen or former Rolling Stones bassists? No. Answer: They’re all United States Senators. For those of you who don’t know, the U.S. Senate ...

Top Ten Grossest Facts about Florida Part I

Jul

17

2013

Florida is the Southernmost state in the Union. This would make Florida the Deep Deep South. Even the term Deep South is very frightening and is a just a veiled metaphor for an increased threat of open intolerance, or at the very least cold stares. The South has long distanced itself from the rest of the Union ...

My Guide to Punching People

Jul

6

2013

Growing up in Alaska, the threat of physical violence casually loomed over many of my experiences. There was a lot of hostility, a lot of bored guys with nothing to lose. Townies. G.I.’s, etc. I’ve seen countless fist-fights up close and in person, and there’s nothing really that cool about it. That’s one of the ...

American Films are Mostly ‘Tweens’ Now

Jul

2

2013

I watched World War Z yesterday. With the countless hours of thought and production that go into a film like this, I just don’t see how parts of it can miss the mark of plausibility so badly. This is what has become of mainstream American cinema. The films look great, the concepts are great, the ...