2013 - Matt Ralston's Blog

Why I hope that every C.E.O. on Undercover Boss is Hit by a Train 1

Dec

31

2013

Undercover Boss is arguably the most offensive thing I have ever seen. And I’ve seen Toby Keith. Here’s how the show works: The C.E.O. of a major company pointlessly and self-indulgently puts on a wig or something and goes undercover because we all know that the garbage-men employed by Waste Management know exactly what the drab, nondescript middle-aged ...

Football Analysis

Dec

30

2013

As I’ve previously written, I think that it is extremely beyond coincidence that nearly every quarterback in the NFL is white, and the league is mostly black. I can’t think of a similarly skewed job anywhere else in America, with the possible exception of NFL Coach. I have long suspected that the people at lower ...

Fuck Dynasty 3

Dec

20

2013

Dynasty: a succession of people from the same family who play a prominent role in business, politics, or another field. Throughout history, a common trait among people associated with dynasties is that they are able to hold onto their positions of power through the oppression and, consequently, division of other people. It has been proven impossible to continue ...

Conspiracies and the Death of the Press Corps 10

Dec

13

2013

People often ask me if I believe in conspiracies. Yes. The U.S. government has been conspiring to clandestinely accomplish whatever they feel like, often with the help of industry and mass media, for quite some time. Often the line between government, industry, and media is hard to decipher. To realize that the media holds certain ...

Thanksgiving and some Insight into why Republicans Continue to Sway Voters

Dec

2

2013

I was recently preparing to take a flight on Thanksgiving day. A friend of mine was sitting around my apartment and asked me when I planned on getting to the airport. Probably fifty minutes before the flight, I said. I never arrive more than an hour before any flight. I’ve never had a problem. I ...

People who Look Like Turtles Part II 2

Nov

27

2013

I am not a conspiracy theorist, however I am pretty sure that the following people are just turtles who learned how to walk. Jason Terry is a great shooter and former Sixth Man of the Year. Turtle. Actor Rick Moranis retired from acting long ago to raise his children. They are probably turtle children, because ...

How to Increase your Chances of Winning the Lottery

Nov

21

2013

One of the most respectable Moves I’ve ever witnessed was at a small convenience store in Seattle called the Eastlake Market. It was fairly crumby and benefited from being one of the only stores in the general area – and the only one that sold beer and wine until 2 a.m. – which is the ...

People who Look Like Turtles Part I 2

Nov

16

2013

I’ve noticed recently that a lot of people strongly resemble turtles – and may in fact just be turtles who have learned how to walk. While I respect their privacy – and I must say that all of these turtles are successful and respectable people – I feel the need to inform the public that ...

Does Supporting the Troops Imply a Vast Conspiracy? 2

Nov

14

2013

Living in America, I have found the constant barrage of pleas for my acknowledgement of our men and women in uniform to be perplexing. Me: Wait, why are the marines performing a color guard ceremony right now? What does this have to do with baseball? Everyone Else in the Room: Dude, shut up. I honestly don’t understand ...

F the Dolphins

Nov

12

2013

I’m tired of hearing about the oceans. Not that I don’t care, I do, but why are we concentrating our attention on dolphins. You know the storm drains go straight to the ocean! Yeah, you know where else they go? RIGHT PAST YOUR FUCKING HOUSE. A quick personal anecdote: When I lived in Fairbanks we ...