matt ralston

This Nazi Loser I Grew Up With

This Nazi Loser I Grew Up With
That awkward moment when you notice some dude who grew up in your neighborhood flashing a White Power hand signal at a Nazi rally. The dude in the blue Kansas City Royals World Series T-shirt and the tough guy tattoo kit from the back of the Spider-Man comic. The dude with whom you share 13 ...

Democratic Candidate Fight Rankings

Democratic Candidate Fight Rankings
With all that’s going on in this presidential race I thought it important to rank the remaining candidates based on who could kick the most ass in a fight. After all, the average American voter has complete shit for brains, and factors in various other extraneous criteria such as who had the sickest burn in ...

LeBron James Perfectly Articulates Why Liberalism Isn’t Working

After LeBron James made himself a popinjay of a transparent asshole by criticizing support for the protests in Hong Kong in the name of his (in the case of Nike, inhumane) business interests, he continued talking about the issue, cementing himself as a guy who is much less rhetorically savvy than he thinks he is. ...

Why Aren’t All Nursing Home Patients Full Blown Alcoholics?

Why Aren't All Nursing Home Patients Full Blown Alcoholics?
It recently occurred to me that nursing home patients rarely drink alcohol or use recreational drugs, which I found perplexing. People who have nothing to do most of the time; unemployed people, people in rock bands, actors, college students, bar managers, the homeless, all seem to drink quite heavily. While there are many people such ...

How to Solve LA’s Homeless Problem

How to Solve LA's Homeless Problem
Bicycles. The answer is bicycles. If you haven’t noticed, the homeless problem in Los Angeles is completely out of control. Aside from a massive enclave of people who can’t even get seated at The Cheesecake Factory (a low bar) located on Skid Row, every single side ramp and underpass is littered with tent cities. It’s ...

Why You Should Visit The White House If You Hate Trump

Why You Should Visit The White House If You Hate Trump
I don’t like when athletes skip going to the White House to protest the fact that Donald Trump is a vile pig and his administration is comprised mostly of third ballot racists. I believe they should go, and that it is part of their duty of being an American. I don’t mean that in the ...

I Think Bad People are Reproducing Faster

I Think Bad People are Reproducing Faster
I consider myself to be a good person, not that I’m perfect, but I try to treat other people with respect and not steal or cheat or involve myself in drive by shootings or ritual stabbings or terror plots or bigoted politics or Raiders fandom. Maybe I’m not even a good person, I’m just not ...

Rain Dove Proven Liar By Her Own Facebook Page

Rain Dove Proven Liar By Her Own Facebook Page
Model and activist Rain Dove has been in the news frequently in recent months. Apart from dating Rose McGowan, she has made headlines for leaking Rose’s texts with disgraced #MeToo activist Asia Argento to the press, and for being maced in a public restroom by a woman who thought she was a man, among other ...

Rain Dove’s (probably) Fake Hate Crime is Gross

Rain Dove's (probably) Fake Hate Crime is Gross
When I first read that genderqueer activist Rain Dove was pepper sprayed by an anti-trans bigot for looking like a man in a public women’s restroom my first reaction was, no she wasn’t. Didn’t happen. Rain Dove, I believe, made up a story, actually faked a hate crime, and succeeded in having her name placed ...

If Watergate Happened Today Nobody Would Give A Shit

If Watergate Happened Today Nobody Would Give A Shit
I remember when Watergate went down, I was a young boy of 13, unfamiliar with the ways of the world. I watched as a nation went through the stages of denial, grief, and acceptance. Actually I was born in 1982, but that’s how I imagine it. I suppose I could talk to some baby boomer ...