October 2014 - Matt Ralston's Blog

Why I Can Dress As Ray Rice For Halloween

Oct

28

2014

Ray Rice recently said he is “Praying for the people” who are dressing as Ray Rice for Halloween. I’m sure they are eternally grateful. Let me make a bold assumption: The people dressing as Ray Rice for Halloween aren’t woman beaters. It would kind of draw too much attention to yourself. The people who beat ...

Is Honey Boo Boo Still Funny? 1

Oct

25

2014

I never had an ethical problem sitting down to watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo so I could gawk at some disgusting obese tragedies of the Civil War spit out inane jokes fed to them by deservedly patronizing on-set producers. The irony is said producers probably think they’re really sophisticated and smart comparatively. Based on ...

My iPhone Creeps Me Out

Oct

17

2014

I was recently shipped a new iPhone, the first one I have owned. Right away it started to creep me out. When I turned it on the first thing it asked me was to login to iCloud. I didn’t know what the iCloud was but its Orwellian name made me inherently suspect. Are you telling me ...

Racist People Gravitate Towards Football 6

Oct

13

2014

Last year I wrote an article abuot how its a strange coincidence the NFL is 67 percent black, and its most prestigious position, quarterback, is 79 percent white. Its one of those elephants in the room I find hard to ignore. Particularly when my mind is wandering during a six hour blowout. Statistically this is an ...

Gone Girl Sucks 2

Oct

7

2014

Spoiler Alert: Gone Girl sucks. Its a movie about a crazy woman who thinks she is dirty and salacious because she bangs her husband. Her husband is Ben Affleck, played by Ben Affleck. He displays some serious acting chops as he is able to switch from being half pudgy to WWF roided out of his ...

The Secret Life Of Walter O’Brien 19

Oct

4

2014

I spoke to Walter O’Brien again regarding his claims of being a genius, which is what the tinny CBS procedural Scorpion is loosely based on. I had been suspicious of O’Brien’s claims, as he proclaimed himself a bonafide supergenious yet sounded merely pompous and also said a bunch of stupid shit like that Blackwater should assassinate unpopular ...

American Airlines’ Twitter Account Is The Penultimate F.U. To Customers

Oct

2

2014

This has happened to me twice, I’m on a flight, the flight sucks because the government has allowed all these already shit airlines to merge together creating a lack of competition, leading to Velcro magazine pockets on rickety old planes because there is now zero need to invest upkeep in your slumlord airlines, thirty guys ...