Matt Ralston's Blog

What’s the Deal with Chemical Weapons?

Sep

16

2013

President Obama seems really opposed to chemical weapons. It is indeed a very fear-laden phrase. Sounds like something out of a Batman comic. The following are reasons why drawing a vast moral and categorical distinction between using gas to kill people or simply indiscriminately blowing them up with an unmanned drone are listed below: 1) ...

How to React to a Douchebag 2

Sep

11

2013

A few weeks ago I was traveling near Santa Barbara and I stopped to get gas. This was one of those large rural gas stations, so it contained a fully functioning Subway sandwich stand inside. I was thirsty, and I saw that the Subway had a fountain-drink station. Perfect! So as I’m paying for my ...

The Public Safety Report May Be Endangering Public Safety

Sep

6

2013

Sometimes I read the Public Safety Report of my former hometown paper, the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner in order to see what my friends have been up to. I’ve noticed a striking change over the last few years. The following is an actual report from last week: Janice Christine Smith, 21, of Fairbanks, was arrested ...

Networking 101

Sep

3

2013

Yesterday I was talking to a woman I know and she began listing the things she’d accomplished that day – went to the gym, had a healthy salad, got an oil change, and, wait for it… Did an hour of networking! Networking? What did she mean by this, I asked. Apparently this accomplishment of involved ...

People Made of Corn

Aug

14

2013

We all know that government corn subsidies are an unfounded and dangerous policy which has led to an abundance of cheap and nutritionally lacking food. How else would it be possible for a cheeseburger to cost 99 cents? Its because corn is used in nearly all ingredients of a fast-food burger. The beef – corn ...

The Stupidest Animal Quotes of All Time Part I

Aug

3

2013

It’s obvious that humanity has seen better days. When people give up on their own kind, they often look to branch out. This is evident in the Woman Owns Dog craze as well as the British invasion of American mass media, E.T., divorced chicks banging guys with dreadlocks, and other examples. In each instance, one ...

Can You Design Kickstarter’s Website for Free for a Chance to get a Kickstarter Campaign?

Jul

31

2013

Hi, this is Kickstarter. We are looking for a young entrepreneur to invest their time and effort towards designing Kickstarter’s next Web Site! Apply in person at Kickstarter Headquarters Basement, located in Manhattan. Bring some galoshes, over-the-counter rat-traps, an industrial toilet brush, two quarts of bleach, and a copy of your Collegiate Transcripts (Masters Degree preferred) stating ...

How to Save the Planet

Jul

27

2013

The following is a plan I’ve created to stop war, starvation, genocide, and the spread of curable disease. Here are the steps: 1) We open all borders. All of them. When this happens, a lot of people will be killed by people who are hungry, or just pissed that they were locked in a refugee ...

There is No Royal Baby

Jul

24

2013

I hate to break it to anyone who has been bombarded by news coverage of this royal baby, but there isn’t one. You see, calling yourself royalty in this day and age is something that only a raging asshole would do, and I hate to bestow such qualities on a newborn baby, because I believe ...

Is This The End?

Jul

23

2013

Meaning, I don’t see how much further it can go. This is the End has some good laughs, but it isn’t entertaining enough to overcome the stunningly audacious middle finger it is giving to its audience. For those of you who don’t know, the movie is set mostly in James Franco’s house during an impending apocalypse ...